This morning I volunteered with a friend. It went smoothly, for the most part, and afterward we hugged each other and exchanged a smile about the bits that didn't go exactly as planned.
It sounds unremarkable, right? The thing I am thinking about this evening is that none of it would have seemed likely a year ago.
A year ago I wouldn't have called this person a friend, because I found her so prickly. I would not have answered the call for volunteers, because I did not spend time with her by choice. But last summer and fall we were on a retreat team together, and things changed.
I was not expecting things to change. We'd been on retreats together before, and the usual retreat magic had not really improved the situation. I am still not sure what enabled me to relax this time around, to go in with low expectations. I resolved to be helpful where I could and not sweat the prickliness.
Whatever the reason, something shifted in an big way. I learned a thing I had not known before-- namely, that she struggles with self-criticism. When I looked back on all the past interactions that had hurt my feelings, I saw them with a new understanding. This is a true fact: it's easier to speak kindly to other people when you can speak kindly to yourself.
I think it used to be that when we spent time together I slipped into chilly-distant mode. I was always waiting for her to say something resent-able, which did not have a great effect on my disposition. At one point during the retreat she said to me, in a tone of surprise, "Jamie, you're fun! I didn't know how fun you were!" "Huh," I thought to myself, "I guess it takes two to make a relationship tense."
One morning during the retreat she was leading a song and she got stuck in the intro. It happens sometimes when you're playing from lead sheets: you have the chords in front of you, you've rehearsed the music, but you can't find the starting note. I've been there; it stinks. I bowed my head and prayed for her-- not so much that she would find the note (although there was some of that) but that she would know the love of God right there in her moment of getting it wrong. That she would see her own goodness and perceive the Lord's tender affection for her in all circumstances. Afterward she said to me, "I looked over at you, and I could tell you were praying for me not to be too hard on myself."
I have blogged a little, here and there, about my experience of working through Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion. I didn't say a lot about it, because it was hard and slow and it left me feeling too vulnerable to tell the internet all about it. I think the experience of learning to be kinder to myself has made it easier not only to feel more at peace in my own skin, but to be more at ease in all kinds of relationships.
I can't know exactly why things changed between us, but we did something good together this morning and it brought us both joy. And I am thinking back on it this evening, glad and grateful.
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