Back at the beginning of NaBloPoMo Kellie requested a post on responding to a kid who rolls her eyes. I wrote this post and realized after 1200 words that it is about bad attitudes more generally, so I'll be back with a second installment that is specifically about eye-rolling. Here's part 1:
Be patient with yourself. A lot of parents have absorbed the message that their kids' behavior is a direct reflection of their parenting, but kids' behavior is unpredictable. A long time ago I wrote about YES kids and NOPE kids. It is not your fault if you have a boundary-testing kid who says "BUT WHY?" at frequent intervals. In the moment you can only control your response to the boundary-testing and but-why-ing; shaping those behaviors is a long-term task. If you look with curiosity and kindness at the ideas you have internalized about how these interactions are supposed to go, you may find that they are not ideas you actually believe with your adult brain. This realization can (a) set you free and (b) lower the thermostat in tense moments.
Be patient with your kid. A measure of compassion will leave them feeling better and, somewhat surprisingly, will often leave them more willing to comply. Here again I recommend Haim Ginott's magical strategy of granting the wish in fantasy. "Wouldn't it be fun if you NEVER had to clean your room?" you can say as you are writing a list of the room-cleaning tasks (because structure is a huge help to kids in completing unwelcome tasks; see below). "It is SO FRUSTRATING to clean when you'd rather be reading a book," you can say. "If I had a magic wand that would wipe down the bathroom for you, I would totally lend it to you." Or, "Maybe when you are a grownup you can live in a house where the cleaning fairies come in every Tuesday! That would be the coolest!"
Make it predictable. If responsibilities are routine, they will generate less resistance over time. If chores always happen at 9 on Saturday and are done by 9:45, there will be less wear and tear on everybody once the habit is established. If "clean your room" means finishing a list of 5 concrete tasks, it will feel less overwhelming and be more likely to get done, with fewer tears. If chores are followed by a small fun thing that ONLY happens after the house is clean, there is some built-in motivation for everybody to finish their tasks briskly and well.
Engage your inner goofball. Humor works better for me than sternness on this front. If you say, with goofy feigned confusion, "Wait wait wait, did you forget that your line is 'yes, Mom; right away, Mom'?" some of your children will laugh some of the time, and over the years they will learn to say "yes, Mom; right away, Mom." If you say, lightly and laughingly but also persistently, "Hold on, I am pushing the rewind button and we are taking another crack at this. I say, 'Empty the dishwasher, please,' and you say, 'Sure, I'd be glad to!'" while you push an imaginary rewind button (with sound effects, natch), you will set a better tone than if you call upon your inner drill sergeant. It's extremely important to be consistent, but power struggles rarely end well.
Model the behavior you want to see. It's worth thinking about what your kids see when an unexpected responsibility plops into your lap (though recall my advice above about being patient with yourself). I think it has been helpful for my kids to hear me talk through my own feelings occasionally, to say, "Oooh, I was not expecting to have to do that today. Ugh, I am having a little grumbly moment here. OKAY, though, I am going to do the unpleasant thing cheerfully in 3-2-1..." Here too I tend to rely on humor ("I am OFFERING IT UP for the souls in Purgatory and I HOPE THEY APPRECIATE IT"). I believe that kids benefit from role models who can show them that negative feelings can be experienced and moved through, rather than being stuffed down or over-indulged.
Find good real-life examples. We were lucky, when our kids were young, to connect with a great Scout troop here in town. One of the surprising benefits to our family was the troop's emphasis on cheerful service. If your kids are spending regular chunks of time with older peers who are willing to do hard things for other people without complaining, it will (probably) shift their attitude at home.
Find good fictional examples. There are a ton of kids' shows and books that pit the scrappy kid protagonists against the boring demanding grownups. They make it seem hilarious to have a lousy attitude about pitching in and doing what's asked of you. Mixing up the media diet can put some different examples in front of your kids, which has the potential to make a difference in how they think and behave. You might want to be subtle about it. With my oldest son I read Little House in the Big Woods AT him as a lesson in How Good Kids Respond To Their Parents, and he responded by telling me that the only worthwhile person in the whole book was Charley, the misbehaving cousin who falls on a hornets' nest. (The nasty subtext of "look at him getting what he deserves" does not sit well with me as an adult, I have to say.) I would be cautious about revoking access to books or TV shows with a NOPE kid, but I would sprinkle in alternatives in a low-key way, seeking out vintage books and shows with characters who are both dutiful and interesting.
Offer occasional opportunities to see that grownup chores are harder than little-kid chores. This is an approach I would recommend deploying only judiciously, but it can be very useful in small doses. If your evening job is to scrub the pots and your kid's job is to put silverware in the dishwasher, a switch can make it very clear that everybody pitches in according to their abilities. Adult life is not an idyll of staying up late and eating cookie dough; adults do hard things to keep the household running smoothly. When pushed to my limit, I have sometimes said to a kid, "You have required me to do a big unhappy extra job in providing repeated reminders and patient responses to your terrible attitude, and consequently you will need to do one of my jobs for me." This is not usually well-received, but as a rarely used strategy it can be illustrative. If you can stay calm and let the learning happen, sometimes the lightbulb will flick on: my parents are asking me to do reasonable things at reasonable intervals, and I can oblige.
One more time: patience. It's totally normal for kids to resist unpleasant tasks. It's totally normal for parents to struggle with teaching kids to leave behind annoying behaviors. This is going to take some time -- not because you are doing anything wrong, but because it's intrinsically slow and difficult. Kindness will help. Hang in there! It gets better!
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