Okay, this is the post that is actually about eye-rolling and not about generalized bad attitude.
FIRST, everybody needs to be clear on the behavior you're trying to stop. Learn from my mistakes, my friends, as described in the last paragraph of this post from five years ago. Get specific with yourself and your kid about what you want to work on. With eye-rolling specifically, I would elicit it on purpose in a fun and silly context. Make ridiculous requests of each other and roll your eyes at each other deliberately. This will allow you both to be laughing when you say, "That! That's the thing that makes me feel like my head might explode, even if you do it accidentally!" In a situation like the one Kellie mentioned, where the kid's awareness seemed inconsistent, I might let her borrow my phone to take selfie videos and connect the dots: this is what it feels like when I do the thing that makes the grownups so frustrated.
SECOND, how can you frame the "why" in a way that puts you on the same team? Adults can't demand respect from a hardcore NOPE kid; they can only let it unfurl. Rigid rules like "no sass" are more likely to spark enduring resentments than stronger relationships, and stronger relationships are the big-picture goal. If you can make it clear to your kid that you share the same long-term ideal -- for her to be a healthy, independent adult with solid nurturing relationships -- it can smooth the path for short-term behavior changes.
In setting forth the "why" I might share my own childhood experiences, places where a perceived nasty attitude damaged my relationships with trusted adults and cost me opportunities. Or I might be really candid that it's hard for me to be kind to people who treat me in a way that feels disrespectful, even if they don't intend to signal disrespect. If you say, "It's easier for me to be nice to you when you find another way to tell me what's going on," it sets you right up for step 3, which is...
THIRD, figure out replacement behaviors. What's a less exasperating way for a small person to feel those feelings? Bonus points if you pick something that makes everybody laugh some of the time, something that can become its own gentle joke. I mentioned "yes, Mom; right away, Mom" in my post yesterday. My kids really do say that and chuckle-- not because they are afraid of consequences if they don't, but because they have internalized the message I was sending after many thousands of repetitions. An exaggerated jokey way of expressing frustration can make you both laugh and break the tension, and can also become a cue for her to muster her better self and do the right thing. Maybe in the short term she practices saying, "Dernit, I hate it when I have to pause my video," instead of rolling her eyes, and pauses the video as she's saying it. She gets what she wants (an outlet for the frustration); you get what you want (the video is paused and there is no eye-rolling).
You might find some useful tips in my ZETZER post, and the post I linked above is also filled with ideas for shaping behavior that's bugging you. It won't be directly applicable if the target is eye-rolling, but the framework might be helpful in straddling the tensions. Some days it just feels like too much to be clear and firm, loving and lighthearted -- all at the same time. Good luck! Keep me posted! I am cheering for you!
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