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March 01, 2022

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I need not to plan so much, or at least rely on plans.

Oooh, I, for one would love to hear your thoughts about that book and food.

Anyway, maybe it would be a good thing for me to be off social media, but I already don't read the news or watch TV, so whatever little "news" I guess is helped by the few accounts I follow, like the nice girl on instagram who runs the formerly known as "so you want to talk about..." account. And FB is very effective in mostly filtering the annoying people. I know it gets to be an "echo chamber", but I don't have to feel disgruntled.

I do follow very few people on IG so it's manageable, and FB (and IG) is the place where I keep up with my former blog friends who I don't want to lose track of. They literally are the reason I'm still here. I love these women and keeping up with whatever "crumbs" they throw my way via IG or FB feels good -- if insufficient. Sigh... (of course I am also friends with HUNDREDS of Brazilian people who are relatives, and whom I met throughout my life and *very few* of those are the ones who cause me some grief (and people from my church here in VA). Most are cool. I know the stupid algorithm only lets me see certain things and I HATE the lack of control, sigh....

Am I rationalizing too much? LOL

OK, let me click on the link and take a look at that eating book.

I think I'm giving up most internet past 10 PM (a few exceptions for things like online grocery orders, because sometimes that's the only time I can put them in), specifically because I am way more prone to anger and sniping and impatience when I'm tired, and I'm most likely to be up too late if I'm online.

I would like to help you with your Lenten discipline, and I type this with a genuinely loving heart.

I am unvaccinated and do not have any immediate plans to get the vaccine. (I'm in England where we can all get it whenever for free. I was eligible ages ago.) There are people who think that if I get covid, I should not be allowed to "use up" NHS treatment and should just stay at home and die by myself. Really, there are. I don't know how you feel about unvaccinated people right now, but it probably isn't that great.

Thing is, my life is actually quite complicated on the inside. I became eligible for the vaccine around the time I became pregnant, last March. I was very physically unwell for several months, which then morphed into debilitating anxiety. I could not leave the house or have anyone else in the house. I declined to attend several hospital antenatal appointments because I was too anxious. (I was also being seen by the home birth team at home, so wasn't totally uncared for. Thanks, by the way, for all your posts about home births! Third baby, first home birth, it rocked!) So there was no way I was going to make a vaccine appointment, even if someone would have come to my house to do it.

I had a DVT after my last pregnancy, so when the AstraZeneca blood clot news hit, my anxiety about vaccine side effects went through the roof - added to my general pregnancy anxiety.

I started seeing a psychologist and had the baby in November and the anxiety is mostly under control now. Unpleasant sometimes, but not life-ruining.

Except I'm co-sleeping with the baby, and despite being VERY VERY VERY well-informed about co-sleeping (props to Notre Dame's cosleeping website), I have been lectured by medical professionals enough times that I am very anxious that my baby will die in bed and I will be blamed for it. Which means the thought of having baby in bed while experiencing vaccination side effects like that excessive tiredness everyone diligently tells you will kill your baby is just IMPOSSIBLE. So OK, maybe I'll get vaccinated when the baby stops cosleeping in a few months time.

Only now I have another postpartum DVT and am being investigated for a clotting disorder. So even though the blood clot thing is sort of done and dusted, WHAT IF IT'S NOT?

You can think what you like about whether my reasons to not be vaccinated are "good enough" or not, but the point is that from the inside, my current decision is very complicated. I don't feel great about not being vaccinated, but I'm also not going to make that appointment soon. There no one thing that someone can just solve and make me feel OK about it. People are messy. I think it's probably complicated for everyone who's not vaccinated or not wearing a mask. (I was close to tears when masks were made optional on the Tube because I was so so happy that I could actually go out and breathe normally and not be given evils if I didn't wear a mask or worry about throwing up in it of I did.)

Anyway, that was a bit longer than I intended. I avoid talking about it IRL, to be honest, because it's such an emotional hotspot for me. So most people just know the bare fact, if anything, that I am not vaccinated. Think of me next time someone tells you they're not.

I just had to come back again to say how much I wanted my comment to be a calm, generous explanation of what is going on under the surface of "I'm not vaccinated" for me, and not an angry hectoring! I really do want to be helpful.

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