One of the gifts of having a large family is that I am disinclined to give myself too much credit or too much blame for the way my children are turning out. This was the background for the post about the evils of fat-free cheese that I wrote earlier this month. There are some values -- like frugality -- that I have attempted to impart to all of my children. Mostly they are frugal. One of them out-frugals me, actually. But I have not persuaded all of my children that frugality is a desirable trait, and I am feeling pretty relaxed about that these days. They are who they are, and it's not my job to make them into something different.
When my children were younger I felt a great sense of urgency about teaching them to love God. In hindsight I think the urgency was sometimes counterproductive -- partially because it was born of scrupulosity, which is incompatible with true Christian freedom, and partially because urgency is not great for long-term relationships. My hope for my children is that they will grow into certain knowledge of God's presence with them in all circumstances, that they will perceive his love as a shield about them and a fire within them. I worry less about whether they're genuflecting on the correct knee these days. I wonder what damage I might have done in those days when rigidity felt like zeal to me, but at the same time I cannot blame my past self too harshly for being where she was.
The thing about having five children is that they make it clear to me how unpredictable parenting is. Some days I feel like I'm outfitting the White Knight from Through the Looking Glass: take this! you might need this! don't forget the mousetraps! watch for shark bites! Some of those things my children are still carrying across their metaphorical chessboards. Some of my children have laid down their mousetraps and moved on. Sometimes I hear them calling to their siblings on adjacent chessboard spaces: you don't need to worry so much about the shark bites! I could not have predicted what they would lay down and I cannot guess at what they might take up again someday.
Tomorrow night all five of my children will sleep in this house for the first time since 2019. I am not sure what Past Me would say about the shape of our life these days; I cannot hear the words of wisdom or caution that Future Me might wish to share. But Present Me is going to enjoy the heck out of the day tomorrow, and she needs to be up bright and early to bake some pies.
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