I have come to think that one of the most telling indices of a person's faith might be her thoughts on hell. In the days when I struggled more with scrupulosity I regarded hell with a mix of horror and fascination. I did not see clearly then that God loved me so much that he wanted me to stay out of hell even more than I wanted to stay out of hell -- that he was more invested in my sanctification than I was. And yet I also had (and still have) a tendency widespread among the scrupulous: I love to be right. Here is a true fact: a person who mutters "fine, go to hell then; we'll see who's right" when an argument about the faith goes poorly is not a compelling witness to the beauty and redemptive power of the gospel.
I once heard a priest say that when Jesus said "I thirst" he wasn't just talking about physical thirst; he was saying, "I thirst for souls." The pairing of those two meanings is particularly poignant: here in my agony, says the Lord, I desire for all people to see me lifted up and be freed from the poison of sin. He came to be with us in a world full of physical suffering, to experience physical sufferings like thirst, and to love us unstoppably even in the worst of it.
COVID has offered me many opportunities to think about whether I'd rather be loving or be right. My church's Facebook announcements have recently been a forum for the most vocal right-wingers in the parish to complain nastily about the precautions in place, and I find it wearying. I hear an echo of the me from 20 years ago, thinking, "Fine, get COVID then; we'll see who's right." I don't really mean that. But the Lord wants me to pray for them, to desire his very best for them -- and I'm not there today, friends; I'm not there. (Why, though, would they be publicly ugly to our fantabulous pastor who is working SO HARD to make the sacraments available safely? I do not understand. I am tired of trying to understand.)
I would like Donald Trump to go to prison for tax evasion and money laundering. Is that a hunger for justice or a petty desire for vengeance? Since 2015 I have tried to avoid uncharitable language about Trump -- I don't care how much he weighs or what color makeup he wears. My concern is the competence void. But it is not very charitable to wish him in prison. "Fine, face the SDNY then; we'll see who's right" is not the same as wishing eternal damnation on someone. But it feels to me like it is in the same neighborhood.
All through the pandemic I have been thinking about Our Lord's eagerness to alleviate physical suffering, even when doing so created hassles and hazards for him. And I have been thinking, too, about his willingness to walk before us into the valley of the shadow, to make a path through it for us. The pandemic is a temporal struggle to be viewed in the light of eternity. (On that topic, may I recommend this homily from the newly elevated Cardinal Cantalamessa? Love him.) Maybe tonight it is best for me to close the social media tabs, and offer up all of my uncertainties. Teach me, I will pray as I am falling asleep, how to thirst.
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