I read Flat Stanley in second grade, so my memory of the details is a little uncertain. But in my recollection of the book he wakes up his brother because he is sniffling sadly in the middle of one night. He's tired of being flat. It was okay for a while and now he's over it. So his brother inflates him with a bicycle pump, and Stanley goes back to his ordinary three-dimensional life.
We will gloss over the version of human anatomy in which people are essentially walking soufflés, able to puff or de-puff with no harm done to their innards. No, that doesn't quite work -- you can't blow a soufflé back up with a tire pump.
Anyway, I was thinking about Flat Stanley because I have been walking around this fall in a state of perpetual deflation. I still can't tell you much about the current Gladly Troubles, but they are indeed troubling, and they have pretty much sapped my get-up-and-go. I can't seem to stay on top of the grading, much as I try. This morning I got up at 4:30 and worked like a woman determined to get caught up. And somehow-- I'm still not caught up.
I've been seeing a counselor since the summer, and she keeps telling me that it's normal for me to feel flattened. "This is a family crisis," she says in calm and reassuring tones. I am ready for the crisis to be over, though, and pretty annoyed that it doesn't seem to care much about my preferred timetable.
It's not as if every day is a slog, the way it was at the beginning. The first week was so painful, kind of like I imagine an abscessing tooth would be. After the acute phase of an abscess is over, the dental patient has to get used to the new bite, the unaccustomed gap. There's not the wrenching pain that sent her to the dentist, but there's all that adjusting to the aftermath. That's where I am these days, but with added uncertainty, as if the dentist might need to pull an additional 6 or 8 teeth but maybe not and also we don't know when we'll find out.
Yesterday I pulled my SAD light out of the basement, even thought that's usually a November move. I read in front of it yesterday, and I graded in front of it today, and it did turn out to be an unexpectedly productive day despite my ongoing not-caught-up-ness. I'll keep doing what I can. But tonight an image of Flat Stanley flashed across my mind, and I can't help wishing for a quick and painless restoration, a metaphorical bicycle pump.
Sometimes it's a bummer that life is more complicated than children's books make it out to be.
I am walking beside you, friend, and hoping that eventually, we will feel whole again. Love and strength to you. Xoxoxo
Posted by: Gina | October 31, 2019 at 07:35 AM
Ugh, I'm sorry. We went through a family crisis last summer, but it's the sort of thing that's long-term, so it's still there. It stinks. I pulled out my sun lamp, too.
Posted by: Linda | October 31, 2019 at 07:57 AM
Long-term stress and long-term crises are the worst. It's so hard to lead a normal life when they're occurring (and even after) because they're always providing an added level of difficulty even after we're accustomed to their presence.
I am going through a year-long (so far) crisis in my family life as well and I feel perpetually tired, run-down, and lack motivation. Even when I am having fun, I don't really feel like I am having fun. So I empathize with your situation and I hope it gets better soon. Email if you want to chat. :)
Posted by: Ariella | October 31, 2019 at 08:18 AM
That is so exhausting. We went through a family crisis this spring and I lost 8 weeks of work. I theoretically was working most of that time, but nothing got done, or done well. You're in my prayers and the email is always open.
Posted by: Calee | October 31, 2019 at 10:49 PM
I'm so sorry. Things are weird here too and I'm wondering if it's a similar root cause because I know we have some things in common with out stressors. Reach out to be by e-mail or phone if you want to talk.
Posted by: Angela | November 01, 2019 at 09:19 AM
I am glad that you are seeing a counselor. I can not handle the stress of our life without mine, though I seem to be able to go less now than last year. Our stress will never quite go away so it is hard sometimes to keep going, and the grief just cycles around and around at times.
Praying for you, my friend. Life is so complicated, but I keep reminding myself that God is still here with us.
Posted by: Tracy Cardenas | November 01, 2019 at 05:07 PM
I spent a year drowning due to a perfectly ordinary family crisis. There is no such thing as taking too good care of yourself, from the counselor to the SAD light, they are all good things that you deserve.
Posted by: Jennifer | November 09, 2019 at 06:55 AM