The Discipline Ceiling

It turns out that there is a limit to the amount of judging I can do, and at the end of last week I crashed hard into that wall.

I have a service commitment that is the single most judgment-intensive thing I have ever done at Gladlyville U. I am also teaching three classes. I resolved that last week I would be the most disciplined version of myself that I could possibly be, and this is the thing I learned: there is a ceiling to the amount of self-discipline I can exert. Maybe it's a movable ceiling? I don't know? But a weird thing happened after five days of Maximum Discipline.

I came home on Friday and there was a bill in the mail from the heating and cooling company. They came out for a service call recently, but they said there was no charge because our new furnace has a warranty that covers parts and labor. Getting the bill in the mail should have been a minor annoyance. They're nice folks; if it was a mistake they'll apologize, and if we do actually owe them for the service call we can afford the bill. Instead I opened the envelope and thought about the steps required to resolve the issue, and then I laid my head down on the table and cried. "This is kind of strange and excessive," I thought to myself as the tears kept flowing.

Saturday morning I discovered that a LOWSRA* (Laundry Offender Who Shall Remain Anonymous) had dumped a basket of clean laundry into a dusty corner. This is not the first time I have pointed out to that particular LOWSRA that dumping clean laundry into a dusty corner means it is dusty rather than clean, but for whatever reason this objection doesn't seem to carry much weight. I did not aim any arrows of indisputable logic in the LOWSRA's direction; I did not yell. I just dissolved. "It is very odd to cry helplessly twice in two days over such tiny things," said the small sensible voice in my head.

Yesterday I worked through some of the grading backlog, but I could feel the crash of inner gears. "That is wrong," I would think to myself. "I do not want to explain why it is wrong. Perhaps if I look at another exam I won't have to explain any wrong things." This is not a recipe for grading efficiency, but I made a little headway.

"Can I really take a day off tomorrow?" I wondered last night. "I am feeling so behind. Does this count as necessary work?" The answer was clear and immediate: there are no emergencies in academia. The grading always gets done. Today I did not grade anything at all. After church I watched the Princess Bride with my two youngest kids; later I went rock-climbing with Joe and Pete. I will go to bed at 9:15 or so, and hope that the mysterious inner reservoir I depleted so thoroughly last week is refilled when I wake up in the morning.

Also I will be really glad when it's March.

P.S. Before I conclude this sad-sack post let me tell you what my Pete did. Yesterday he said, "Can I do anything to help? Can I bring you breakfast in bed tomorrow morning? I'd like to do that more often but you always get up so early." This morning he set his alarm for 7 and brought me an omelet with home-grown herbs, and buttered toast, and coffee. Love that boy.

Comments

[Jody]

Pete is fantastic.

I hesitate to bring this up, but we are at an age when those ceilings are lowering. I have noticed myself dissolving into tears for obscure or odd reasons, or no discernible reason at all, rather frightfully often for the last 12 months or so. Alas.

Don’t be too dismayed if sleep and The Princess Bride aren’t permanent cures, is I guess what I’m trying to say?

[mandamum]

I remember in college, when I was studying hard for my classes AND the GREs - spent all of a Break pretty much prepping for on the Math GRE - and I reached a point where it felt (almost physically) like my brain shut the shutters and said, "Nope. Not available" and I had to take a big chunk of time off any hard "Maxiumum Discipline" sort of work. Several days, I think. Because I couldn't really think. That's what I think of when I think "burnout".

[Pippi]

I did not take a break in December when I needed one. And I spent almost all of January in bed with two different bouts of something flu-like despite getting the flu shot. It reminded me how important it is to take breaks before my body forces them on me. Those days off are so, so important.

[Zagorka]

Well, yes, sometimes we are lazy, and sometimes the battery is empty. I succeeded in ignoring myself so thoroughly, that I lost the ability to regenerate in the night. This, I tell you is really bad. And it takes very, very long to repair. So please take a break, yes?

[MrsDarwin]

St. Paul says something to the effect of "I do not judge anyone. I don't even judge myself." Even you yourself can't know all the factors that make up a crash, so let those around you be kind to you.