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November 28, 2018


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I'm genuinely curious -- if you respond with something along the lines of this post, would they eat you alive or would they pause and consider what you had to say?

My hope would be that your experience would be noteworthy, but Facebook group culture is a strange beast.

I did share the book recommendation, and even a quick google of "pursuer-distancer" will turn up some useful information. I didn't even attempt to get into the conversation about the appropriate end-of-a-marriage frustration threshold.

Oh, man, somebody DID comment on the haste with which the OP's marriage was being consigned to the dustbin, and the pile-on was immediate and horrifying. Some of the issue is that he's been touching her at random times in ways that have been making her unhappy. And hey, I get the unhappiness. But the reactions! "WELL, if you wouldn't call it SEXUAL ASSAULT, what would you call it? What would it be if ANYONE ELSE did it?"

The idea that a husband doesn't have any different standing from, say, the UPS guy is pretty foreign to me.

Yikes on those comments. I listened to a 3-part Radiolab podcast recently called "In the No" that began as one woman's struggle to understand sexual consent. The second episode includes the perspective of a woman who counsels young men who have been accused of sexual assault, and she talked about a distinct difference between women under 30 or so and women more "our age" (I think we're close in age--I'm almost 49) and how they think about what does and doesn't constitute assault. It's quite sobering, because while I can certainly get behind a lot of the "me too" movement, I also cringe when I hear people leaping to judgments such as those you've described...almost always coming from the younger generation. Nuance, people, nuance!

On a separate note, hurrah for Harriet Lerner!! I learned a lot from reading "Dance of Intimacy" and "Dance of Fear."

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