Donald Trump is eroding my will.
I don't mean will as in will to live. It's not active despair. It's just that his presence in the Oval Office, and the continued cheerleading of people who seem to think that the S&P index is the only performance index that matters, and the smaller but nonetheless noisy numbers of people who actually support evils like family separation at the border -- it's grinding me down. There's a limit to the number of times that I am willing to call my reps and talk back to the radio, to say, "Hey, truth matters. Science matters. Manners matter."
Remember when presidents didn't call people "horseface," or at least not in public? I miss those days.
I keep thinking that I am going to GET BACK in the exercise groove and GET EXCITED about the beautiful fall vegetables in my crisper (and, simultaneously, GET RID of the 12 or 15 surplus pounds I have been hauling around since the election). I resubscribed to FlyLady because I was feeling the need for MORE ORDER. (It turns out that the Rubba Scrubba ads are no less annoying in 2018 than they were in 2010. It also turns out that if you filter the FlyLady messages to their own folder because the useful bits are all jumbled up with Rubba Scrubba ads, your house does not get any cleaner.)
You know the thing in my brain that used to make me say "Let's read a Dickens novel! It will only take 3 weeks!"? That thing is only limping along these days. I've got impulse power instead of warp speed. It took me three months to reread Pickwick Papers, and I didn't enjoy it very much. I rely pretty heavily on my ability to say "Let's DO THE THING!" with enthusiasm and a measure of efficiency, and the discovery that it has become less reliable is troubling me.
Neurologists have a label for the condition in which patients seem to lose their will: aboulia (sometimes spelled abulia). When patients have aboulia they don't want to start anything, and they can't follow through even if someone else helps them to get the ball rolling. I don't actually have a case of aboulia; I know that. Even so, it's troubling to see the shift in my thinking. I know I would be happier if I got the weeds out of the peony bed...but I don't want to get out there with the spade. I might really enjoy casting on that new shawl...but brioche stitch is hard and sometimes frustrating, so why bother?
My will is not totally MIA, but it feels kind of fractured. Ergo, dysboulia. It is clearly connected to the shenanigans in DC, so I am calling it archogenic, or leader-induced. The temptation to self-medicate keeps growing. Anybody else feeling the same way?
Yes. I have no will for anything these days. I don't even listen to Trump anymore because I know it will just be more lies.
No desire to self-medicate as I see nothing to soothe. Just a void.
Posted by: Tom | October 16, 2018 at 11:05 PM
This presidency has actually given me mild anxiety. And I don't even live in the States anymore. I try to step back from the news and I'm successful for periods and it does help, but there's no way to keep it from rushing back.
Posted by: Pippi | October 17, 2018 at 01:40 AM
Different archos, similar feelings... but here are two thoughts:
A. I think this is somewhat more morally justifiable than the opposite reaction, which I have also experienced: I will make my house and my life and my garden PERFECT (according to my low standards) and ignore the world outside my doorstep.
B. There are periods when you lie fallow. They're not that fun, and you don't get the high of efficiency and accomplishment, but they're going to happen regardless and allow for the subsequent fruitful periods.
Posted by: rachel | October 17, 2018 at 05:09 AM
Yes
Posted by: Jody | October 17, 2018 at 05:44 AM
Yes.
Posted by: Maria | October 17, 2018 at 09:23 PM
Yes! And I've been self-medicating by donating to political campaigns! :)
Posted by: Nicole | October 18, 2018 at 05:01 PM
I can’t even begin to describe how much me too.
Posted by: Miriel | October 19, 2018 at 11:46 AM
I'm getting my steps in by knocking doors to GOTV.
My husband has been in a non weight-bearing status for 6 weeks due to a knee injury and so all the chores are mine now and I do not like that but I was coping pretty well for 4 of those weeks and now I just give up.
But knocking doors gives me a good deal of satisfaction on the political side of my life.
Posted by: Karen | October 19, 2018 at 05:13 PM
yay, comments still open! I read this the other day, and left it open here... and now I get to comment that I'm suffering from the same condition, maybe worse even.
Good thing is that I GET TO VOTE!!! YAY!! But I haven't been "moved" enough to try to go canvassing or to donate to candidates and such. I donate TONS, but it's for church and charity. sigh... anyway, yeah, I hear you friend. Thanks for posting this.
Posted by: L - Mama(e) in Translation | October 25, 2018 at 11:04 AM
For me, the longer he is in office, the more egregious actions his administration takes, the more horrific it all becomes ... the stronger I feel.
I belive in truth, beauty, and justice. I believe in love, hope, and charity. I believe that with faith in God and love in our hearts we can and we will overcome the powers of darkness.
It won't happen in a day. But it will happen. It can't happen without hard work. But we can do it. With ready wills and steadfast hearts, Light will rise. It will.
Posted by: Penelope | October 26, 2018 at 09:35 AM