I got a Christmas present today: a robot vacuum. I've thought for years about buying a Roomba, but it always seemed a little extravagant. This year, though, Elwood found a deal on one manufactured in China. The instruction manual is in Chinese, but I was able to figure it out from the pictures. (I think.) The woman's voice that emanates from inside the unit also speaks in Chinese. She is much chattier than any vacuum I've ever had before. Unfortunately, I have no idea what she is telling me.
After I charged her up, I sent her to vacuum under my bed. She had a lot to say about this.
My husband found a deal on a Chinese robot vacuum, which patrols the house and interjects occasional comments in Chinese. Pretty sure it's saying, "Listen, lady, it cannot be good for you to have this much dust under your bed."
— Jamie (@mostgladly) December 28, 2017
I have no frame of reference here. She is probably saying, "Please return me to my base so I can charge my battery." Or "please empty the collection container." But it might be "How can you stand to live in this squalid hellhole?" How would I know?
The kids have opinions about her too. They think that I will mess with her head if I pick her up and carry her to another part of the house. How can she build a mental map if she doesn't move around under her own steam? They think that when I pick her up she says, "Stop it! Put me down and let me navigate by myself like the manual says!" Except none of us can tell if that's what the manual says or not.
She had some comments about the dining room too. I think they were along the lines of "Why are there NINE chairs in this room? Are you feeding a baseball team around here?"
Maybe she is composing thoughtful poetry:
Ashes to ashes
Dust to SO MUCH FREAKING DUST
Hire some help, girlfriend!
Huh, perhaps it is revealing that I imagine my robot vacuum composing an angry haiku when required to deal with the evidence of my cursory housekeeping habits. I...might decline to think about that.
I found an English blog post in praise of this brand of robot vacuum, with instructions for downloading a Chinese-language app that will allow me to connect my personal robot vacuum to the internet. That way, the writer tells me, I can instruct her to get to work while I am away from home. I can't be the only person who finds this a little head-scratch-y, can I? I can't be the only person who imagines a robot army, taking over Gladlyville (and thence the WORLD) from footholds gained by pretending to be agreeable domestic assistants?
Okay, I might be the only person imagining that.
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