Okay. So whenever I write about parenting I tell you the same two things, pretty much: take the long view, and exercise the Golden Rule. They are important for tantrums too.
Quick, think of people you know who manage their emotional volatility poorly. It's not hard, right? We all know somebody who loses it when things don't go his way. We all know somebody who apologizes for her feelings, even when her feelings are perfectly reasonable. We all know people whose substance abuse problems are rooted in their inability to cope with intense emotions.
I submit that these are not desirable long-term outcomes. I'll say it again: sometimes in parenting, your short-term goals are in conflict with your long-term goals. With tantrums, the short-term goal is to make.it.stop. Make it never happen again. The long-term goal, though, is a well-balanced adult who can handle life's ups and downs. Ideally (I know ideally is hard when your kid is screaming and flailing), our responses to tantrums will support their (eventual) healthy management of strong feelings.
This is not a quick strategy; it is not a sexy strategy. I am never going to sell a parenting book, because my #1 tip is Think About Your Future 25-Year-Old. But seriously, think about your future 25yo: you don't want him to think that flipping your lid is okay as long as you're big enough that nobody can stop you. You don't want her to be ashamed of feeling things keenly when the world urgently needs people who feel things keenly. And you surely don't want your kid to think that numbness is the answer.
Many people, in my experience, focus on the short-term solution. Bad advice abounds. Be stern enough to show your kid who's boss and maybe swat him on the butt! (Because it's okay to be a jerk once you're an adult? Because we want to set the example that angry grownups hit other people? No.) She just needs to know that big girls don't act like that! (Because shaming people for strong feelings -- at any age -- helps them to address those feelings effectively? No.) Just ignore it and he'll stop screaming eventually. Tell her after she calms down that she has lost x privilege because of the tantrum. Take video so he can see how ridiculous he looks. Never give a tantruming child what she's demanding, because she has to learn that no always means no. People will be delighted to tell you about the thing you're not doing that would fix all your problems-- the magic solution.
There is no magic. There is only love paired with persistence.
When was the last time you came unglued? What kinds of helpful and unhelpful responses did you get? I suggest that your answers to those questions will be helpful to you in responding to toddler tantrums.
If I get myself into a freaked-out tizzy, these are the things that help me settle down:
- Being listened to with kindness, even when I am not being my most logical
- Adequate time to shift out of emotional overdrive, because some things can't be rushed -- whether or not they are inconvenient
- Having a little space in which to get myself together, but also knowing that somebody is nearby
- Physical contact with somebody who cares about my distress, even if I feel embarrassed about allowing myself to get distressed
- A little perspective and problem-solving, once I'm in the right frame of mind for a post-mortem
So Golden Rule thinking tells me that these are the things I should try to offer a child in the throes of a tantrum. It is really hard to be a toddler. We don't remember in adulthood how hard it was, but it's a tough place to be. One of the most important pieces of tantrum management is prevention, about which more soon. But if you find yourself staring down the barrel of a full-blown tantrum, I suggest that you try the following strategies:
- Name the feeling sympathetically; grant the wish in fantasy. "You're really angry about that" or "You wish we didn't have to go. It would be so fun to stay longer!" NB: Logic comes later. Whatever you wish you could explain, you are probably right. But logic is a neocortex kind of thing, and you are dealing with an off-the-chain limbic system here.
- Don't rush it. Your kid most likely doesn't want to be having a tantrum, because tantrums usually feel crummy. But if I can't will myself into instant calmness, even with my adult metacognitive skills, it's going to be significantly harder for my toddler. Give it time.
- Figure out whether your toddler needs space or company in this situation. If you need space to keep calm, then give yourself some space. More on this tomorrow.
- Make a way back for your toddler. It's tempting to shower a repeat offender with icy scorn after the tantrum ends, but choose your message carefully: I can handle your strong feelings. You might get really upset, but that doesn't mean you're a bad kid.
- After he's calm, after you've reconnected-- that's when you talk about what went wrong and make a plan for next time.
This leaves you with a bazillion questions, right? Like, I think you may have forgotten what this is actually like, Jamie, since your youngest child is almost 9? Tomorrow let's talk about prevention, and about these other things too:
- What do I do when I can tell my kid is being melodramatic?
- My mother says he's manipulating me.
- What about when she hits me?
- How do I keep from losing it myself when my kid is having a tantrum?
- How do I know when to negotiate and when to be firm?
- Why does this have to be so hard?
- What are some helpful resources?
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