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September 18, 2017

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It makes me super sad to think of how much time I spend in a car each week (most days at least 4 hours per day)...maybe this is why keeping track of my time scares me. I'm afraid it would look like work, car, housekeeping tasks in that order.

I took a new job with a 52 minute commute. All but one of my adult jobs have had 45-60 minute commutes. My last job was 4-6 minutes and I'm spoiled for this long commute now. It's a struggle spending 10 hours a week in the car JUST to get to work and back. Our goal was always to consolidate into one city for school, work, and home and I can't seem to make it happen. One day last week I had to take Henry to the ENT, 35 minutes each way. Then to work, 52 minutes each way. Then Henry to Clarinet, 35 minutes each way. AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. I wish my local job had paid enough to keep doing it.

Six Whole 30s! That's pretty impressive.

"But probably "would you like an invitation to our Slack channel?" was not secret code for "just don't participate because that would be annoying.""

Oh, does this take me back to my grad school. How many invitations I turned down because the Imposter Voice in the back of my head said, "They don't really want you to come along. They're just being polite; you were sitting right there, so they HAD to ask you."

It took a tremendous act of will for me to tell myself, "That's silly. They asked. Believe them. Besides, if you keep turning them down, they'll stop asking." It was a real leap of faith, to take a deep breath, swallow my fear and self-doubt, and say, "Yes, thank you."

It still goes against my grain sometimes; I have to work at it. But the Imposter Voice is getting SLIGHTLY less loud. And I sort of have a policy of saying yes even when I'm uncertain. Having a policy makes it more likely that I stick to it. I'm always glad I did, in the end. =)

(It also occurred to me that doubting myself sometimes looked like I was doubting other people's genuine good intentions...and that wasn't any more fair to them than it was to me. But it took me a while to evolve that far...and I still devolve from time to time.)

(laughing a little bit)

I don't mind at all you complaining about six hours of driving in a week because I understand most people don't have the 80 mile (one way) mega-commute I have! Thankfully I only need to go MWF!

Oh, this whole "doubting oneself" and imposter syndrome discussion take me to a dark dark place. Last year I had one of the most horribly humiliating experiences of my life caused by me -- and the worst part was not realizing it was my very own stupid fault until an excruciating hour had gone by. Sigh... I will email you the story. It's too embarrassing and devastating to share semi-publicly. It would be good to "get it off my chest" as people say... Sigh... (again, all I do is "sighing"!). ;-P

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