Remember when my kids quit chess club? The club was taken over by a mother who was outraged that I had checked in periodically with my kids over the course of their day at a chess tournament. I popped in regularly, making sure they were well stocked with food and water and morale and good manners, but I didn't spend the whole day on site. I wasn't even allowed in the room where they were playing. I had no idea that this would be considered problematic. But the new chess club organizer was aghast. That was completely inappropriate, she told my kid. (Disagreement #1: can kids manage separation from their parents? Disagreement #2: should you offer vehement criticism of a parent to a kid in the absence of overt abuse or neglect? Disagreement #2.5: especially if the parent is doing something that had never been a problem in years past, before Outrage Mom came on the scene?)
My husband went to the organizational meeting for chess club the following year, when Outrage Mom and her husband were running the show. You have to be on site at all times, they stressed, and you can't be in the chess club if you don't attend the tournaments, but it's okay. Because we have enough chargers for you and your kids. (Disagreement #3: how much downtime should kids spend on screens? Disagreement #4: how much downtime should parents spend on screens when they've taken time out specifically to be with the kids?)
We quit chess club.
Pete got a sleepover invitation from a classmate whose last name I didn't know. When he forwarded the email to me my heart sank a little: his last name is Outrage. I texted her for details, hoping she wouldn't remember that I'm the completely inappropriate Jamie Gladly. The kids are bowling first, she told me. Meet us at the bowling alley and we'll go to our house afterward.
I needed more information, though, so I texted her back. I was worried that a person who thought it was fine for kids to park themselves on their phones and tablets all day at chess tournaments might not object to phone-parking all night at her kid's birthday party.
I don't have a policy, she texted back. My kid knows I check his phone every day. The other guests are [nice boys, but all 12 and 13 years old]. Your son can just come for bowling.
The disagreements start piling up here, friends. #5 (this one is minor): In my view a technology policy is prudent, because it cuts down on arguments and just-this-once moments. #6 (this one is not minor): The idea of scrolling through my kids' texts every day to keep them in line makes me a little queasy. They have the right to hold private conversations until I have good reason to revoke it. #7 (also not minor): How many 12- and 13-year-olds haven't figured out how to cover their tracks with private browsing? Does it do any good to check his phone every day? #8 (the heart of the matter): I can be very fond of individual 12- and 13-year-old boys and also be skeptical of their ability to exercise prudence as a group at 2am with the wide-open internet available to them. I do not buy the argument that nice boys from nice families don't do dumb things late at night. #9: I think I would be very cautious about saying to an invited guest "If you don't like it, don't come."
There used to be consensus about this, didn't there? Keep kids off the internet in their bedrooms? Late-night internet access is bad for sleep hygiene and well-being? And yet I seem to be the curmudgeon here. The last time my 12yo had a sleepover the guest was deeply indignant about our house rule that phones stay downstairs at night. "But it's my phone," he insisted to my son.
Earlier this week I was thinking about an in-law relationship where I always seem to get it wrong with regard to parenting. A year ago I was too lax when I gave Stella permission to hang out some distance away from me. This time I was too strict -- I told Stella that she could not get up and cavort in the restaurant aisles, that she could not hang out on someone else's phone taking selfies, even though other kids in our party were doing those things. Suddenly I understood the reason behind the apparent inconsistency: I am confident that my kids can demonstrate adult-like behavior. They can be separated from me briefly and live to tell the tale. They can order from the adult menu and participate in the conversation. (And also? They can stay the hell out of the way in a busy restaurant aisle). I was being consistent; my in-law was also being consistent.
And maybe this sounds a little strange, but I think I am also setting adult expectations for my kids with regard to technology. I have a nighttime cutoff for recreational internet use myself (11pm), because having a rule keeps me from arguing with myself at the time of day when my willpower is depleted. I don't let myself buy Kindle books after the cutoff, because I make dumb purchases when I'm tired. I keep my phone in my room to read books and use the alarm, but there's no Twitter happening overnight. In the places where I know I am most likely to make bad decisions, I try to limit the number of bad decisions I can make. And if the kids disagree with my internet policy, they are free to do it differently after they leave home.
I didn't reply to Outrage Mom yet. I feel certain that I'll get it wrong, whatever I say.
Yours wearily,
The completely inappropriate Jamie Gladly
PS Please tell me how you handle this at your house, and why, and what the magic words are that I can say to Outrage Mom. And would you send your kid to the sleepover under the circumstances?
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