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September 28, 2016


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This would never pass my mental safety algorithm. It's really hard for men to grasp the female experience. I guess you could call it male privilege, the ability not to size up situations for predators. It is what it is. There are things I'll never know about the biological reality or societal construct of being a man. It's the same for men; they can't know what it feels like. I'm glad you have a partner who listens to you, though!

It was interesting to read this post right after the post about Ensign Stella and the nervous angry alien. I am a single mom; I have an independent 13 year old daughter who competently navigates lots of parts of the world on her own. I would never meet a guy from Craigslist after dark in a deserted parking lot to test drive a car. I would absolutely have to arrange a different test-drive scenario or I would not buy that car.

I suppose men don't have this experience. I'm surprised Elwood wouldn't understand that.

I totally totally wouldn't do that either! Sigh...

yeah, talk about male privilege! And I totally wouldn't criticize that couple. Not a problem for me. I mean... some people operate under the assumption that even "giving the appearance" (and this is biblical language that I'm translating straight from Portuguese without bothering to check the equivalence*) of anything amiss is better to avoid. I don't blame people for that.

* says the person with a terminal degree (partly) on translation theory.

Nope, doesn't pass my safety standards. There's independence and there's common sense. Life is a combination of the two. Thus, I know that I can take care of anything, but I get to choose when and where and be safe while doing so.

When teaching independence, I'm sure you add the common sense rules for safety. Knowing not to walk through a war zone (to use an extreme) isn't being non-independent, it's being smart.

Honestly, not so safe for your husband, either. Why go somewhere with a stranger in a small space where no one is around?

I absolutely would not do that. I can't put my finger on the line but for me that clearly crosses it.

Some relevant details I omitted while blogging (as always) in haste:

* the business in question is owned by a couple we know slightly, parents of a girl for whom I made handknit socks

* the Craigslist pictures made us think the vehicle was probably owned by the girl's aunt, the woman who has the Saturday Adoration hour immediately before ours

* the man didn't offer to meet us after dark *because* it was dark, but because he was willing to do it at our convenience and our one working car was going to be at karate until then

So we knew going in that this guy had some connection, and probably some relation, to a Catholic family we know. It turned out that he was a cousin -- we were right about the car's owner. He was a very nice guy.

I still think to myself: Ted Bundy probably had some really nice aunts and uncles too.

Nope. I agree with your last sentence in your comment, about Ted Bundy's nice aunts and uncles. No way am I getting in a car with a stranger.

That said, my roommate in grad school had no compunction about meeting random dudes (our parents' age) from Oklahoma to sell them football tickets. I went with her to save her from Bundy-esque situations, which maybe wasn't my best idea ever, either.

Nope. Nope nope.

I think it goes back to everything Gavin de Becker writes about in "The Gift of Fear". You can't put your finger on it but that doesn't mean it's not a signal that's telling you something important. The best thing I took away from reading that book is that I don't have to answer the why of why something's bothering me if it involves the safety of me or my child.

Nope! Even if I knew for certain it was a cousin of someone I sort of knew, nope! My husband was nervous about my collecting of a kitten from someone off Craigslist. I made it very clear it was the middle of the day and I would not go inside. It was a lousy part of town but I felt safe enough because of the daylight/open space.

No way. If I were single I'd arrange to go with a friend and do it during the day. Not worth the risk.

Growing up, my somewhat paranoid (but also sometimes right) dad would say "The best way to get out of danger is to not get yourself into it in the first place." I've been running at weird hours (4 AM, generally) for years and never had a problem, but there's a house down the street that started having really weird people around, sometimes yelling, sometimes just hanging around the fence, at 4 AM. It made me really uncomfortable. I live on a dead end street, so I didn't have another way out. I started running on the treadmill and kept doing it until the cops dealt with the house.

All of that is to say, I wouldn't have met some random guy after dark to get into a car with him. The possibilities for things going wrong are too big and the benefits are too small. During the day, maybe, but I'd still prefer someone come along for company.

Dom tends to be much more paranoid than I am and much better at imagining worst case scenarios. When I was in grad school it wasn't at all uncommon for me to walk home alone several miles from the train station late at night. I wonder if Dom would have let me do that. He's nervous about my going walking after dark in our neighborhood, which I'd do without a second thought if it weren't for him. But I don't think I'd have gone meeting strange men after dark by myself. Probably not.

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