Dear Police Chief Jones:
I read your comments on public safety in New Albany (population 8,829) with the keenest interest. I was planning to let my 7-year-old daughter walk by herself to our neighbors' house, where she and her friends would play unsupervised in the attic. Thanks to your insights, however, I have seen the error of my ways and have equipped her for the day with more sensitivity to the horrors of the world we live in.
First off, a girl needs a flashlight to go outside. Even though she only has to cover 50 yards, one never knows when night may fall. (Well, some people pretend to know when night may fall, but you and I know better.) And in a world where every approaching stranger must be viewed as a probable kidnapper, it's important for a girl to have something heavy to fling at her assumed attacker's head as she runs away while shrieking "NOOOOOOO!" -- per your instructions at Safety Town. I am sure my neighbors (most of whom have formed the dangerous habit of sending their children outside unattended) will quickly understand the wisdom in my teaching my daughter to bean them with flashlights before she runs away screaming.
Next up: goggles. Although I have repented of allowing my daughter and her friends to play without direct adult supervision, it's important for adults to remember that even supervised play is only fun until somebody loses an eye. Barbie dolls have so many pointy bits! How has my daughter managed to survive for 7 years without causing herself irreparable damage in the pursuit of fun?
Goggles, however, do not provide sufficient eye protection. Thanks to your message of menace, I am casting a suspicious eye upon the sun. I've read that one day it will explode in a deadly fireball. And if that day is today, Chief Jones -- a prospect approximately as likely as that of a stranger abduction taking place in New Albany today -- my daughter will have sunglasses to shield her beautiful eyes. It's the responsible thing to do.
With the hand that is not holding a flashlight, my daughter wields a fire extinguisher. As a man of your perspicacity doubtless knows, spontaneous human combustion is a risk we all face. A study mentioned at that link investigated 30 reported cases of spontaneous human combustion. Since this number is larger (by 30) than the number of stranger abduction cases reported in New Albany, I can only conclude that spontaneous human combustion is an event for which every child must be adequately prepared. (My daughter argues that these accoutrements leave her with no free hands for playing, but I have reminded her that safety is the first priority for every sensible parent.)
You will also notice that my daughter is sporting duck boots, a footwear choice prompted by Revelation 16:3. While imprudent parents might think it unlikely that Jesus will return while she's walking to the neighbors' house, it should be obvious to anyone that the odds of Our Lord's returning today are even higher than the odds of a stranger abduction in New Albany, OH. My daughter will not be walking through any rivers of blood in her sandals, no sirree! (She is attempting to tell me that the boots are (a) big enough for her 19-year-old brother and (b) uncomfortably hot on this 95-degree day, but I am sure she'll thank me later.)
Around her midsection she is swathed in bubble wrap; atop her head is (of course) a bicycle helmet. I have it on good authority that we need to beware of falling objects (see the definitive work from Little et al. on this topic), and so I have told my daughter that she is to keep her helmet in place until she leaves home for college. After all, I've been writing since before she was born about the idea that parents can't be too careful.
As I read your thoughtful words, Chief Jones, I thought to myself, "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?" They used to broadcast that important message over the airwaves all the time, back in the good old days when Ramona Quimby's mother drove her to kindergarten every day. No. Wait. I'm sure Ramona Quimby's mother meant to drive her to kindergarten every day. Probably she would have if she'd known the horrifying statistics on how many children die in motor vehicle accidents as compared to stranger abduction.
Your comments have given me so much food for thought, Chief Jones. I can hardly wait for your ideas on fostering greater self-sufficiency among my undergraduate students. For some mysterious reason, many of them seem to think that adults should be telling them what to do.
Yours admiringly,
Jamie Gladly
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