All day Friday I was smacked around by grading procrastination. I didn't even enjoy what I was doing as I avoided my grading, but I could not make myself suck it up and do the work. I knew it was going to be painful, and I didn't want to do it. I thought to myself, "I am like an addict, who knows she is doing exactly the wrong thing and yet cannot stop." It's weird to me, the way I can KNOW how much better it feels to do the right thing -- and still choose not to do it.
Recently I saw a Canadian participant in an online discussion say "bon courage" to someone in a tricky situation, and it occurred to me that we don't really have an English equivalent. "Good luck" suggests that it comes down to chance, when often it's not about chance at all: you need to steel yourself and plunge in. (Fun discussion here if you're into that sort of thing.)
This morning at the beginning of Mass I was thinking about fear and duty and sin, about Adam in the garden saying, "I was afraid, and I hid myself." He must have known he couldn't hide from God for very long, just as I knew I couldn't hide from my grading-- and yet we both gave it a shot. I thought to myself, "Why did the Fall usher in that kind of stupid unproductive fear?" Immediately an answer from 1 John popped into my head: because perfect love casts out fear, and the Fall damaged our capacity for perfect love.
Then came the readings: the widow's generosity to Elijah was a choice to reject fear. The widow in the gospel also did something courageous and hidden. She wouldn't have expected anyone to see the magnitude of her sacrifice, but Jesus saw and honored her open-handed bravery. I'm going to try to keep that in mind tomorrow when I dive into the next batch of grading: it looks like a small thing to give my attention to the next paper. It doesn't always feel like a small thing. Better to do it anyway.
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