Croissants: the cookbook that will never be

You guys, it's so nice to hear from you! I didn't think anybody was going to wade through that whole post, so thanks! This is making me nostalgic for 2005.

Alexandra said that perhaps I could write a book, which I appreciated very much. I do not think, however, that a book is in the cards. Here is most of what my book would say:

1. Think carefully about the good habits that are (a) important for your family and (b) suitable for your kids' ages and temperaments
2. Enforce those habits kindly and consistently
3. Repeat #2 for months or years until it sticks

This is why Jo Frost's website gets more hits than mine, right? This is me telling you that we started the croissants at 1 on Sunday and they weren't done until 7:30 and we washed a lot of dishes and wiped up a lot of flour in between. Even though I tell you how pretty and golden brown they were, and how delicious the kids said they were (which I can't corroborate -- thanks, Whole 30), I would be completely sympathetic if you thought a can of frozen crescent rolls sounded more doable.

But I do want to write a bit about establishing good habits. If you can teach the kids to internalize your "do it now and do it right" voice, then you rarely have to use it. I only have ten minutes before my self-imposed blogging cutoff (that's the habit that equips me to be more patient with kids who need patience), but I'm going to throw out some thoughts and pick them up again tomorrow.

Here's an analogy that occurred to me: in teaching our kids to take on adult responsibilities, we are teaching them a foreign language. Fluency in another language takes years. No one ever hears a 5yo say "I satted down" and snarls "WHY are you STILL adding -ed to irregular past-tense verbs? What is WRONG with you?" (We would hope that such a person was taking anger management classes.) And yet we expect kids to get it quickly when it comes to responsibilities and adult behavior. I have said it myself: how many times do I have to tell you? 

The answer: a lot. A lot a lot a lot a lot. You don't notice all of the English (or whatever language you speak at home) you're modeling for your kids. You don't notice all of their errors, because you have absorbed the truth that kids make mistakes with language. It is every bit as normal to make mistakes, to sound babyish, as they learn Adult.

I used to underestimate the bandwidth that was required from me for habit formation. I had told them we were going to do this every day. I had made it clear that this was their responsibility. End of story, right?

Nope.

If I can't muster the follow-through, I'm not going to see the habits form. Good habits are another of the Golden Keys to authoritative parenting: they can carry you through annoying chores, previously soul-sucking sibling conflict negotiations, responsibilities like piano practice, you name it. But kids need support to get to the point where it's all automatic and they wouldn't dream of flaking out -- the point where they spontaneously apologize and offer to do one of your tasks* if they happen to forget one of theirs. They can get there, and you don't have to bribe or threaten or yell along the way. But you have to have the bandwidth to make it happen.

Oh, rats, I got excited and missed my cutoff. More soon!

*That's a rare occurrence. Apologies are common; voluntarily taking on more work is not.

Comments

[Celeste]

Our habits are our masters--choose the good ones!

[Calee]

Loving this series!!

[entropy]

I always love your analogies! This series is wonderful. You can totally fill a book and give away your tl;dr at the beginning...but everyone will keep reading!

[Rachel]

OOO, this is good - and you know no good deed goes unpunished, right? So here's the next question: What would you have done if in spite of the consistent modelling and authoritativeness, Stella HADN'T come with you? If you're still in the stage of cultivating habits? Because as I see it, my options are to engage in negotiations, which as Carol said are ineffective and painful (and not always practical), or to pick up the kid bodily - kind of physical follow through. The latter tends to be messy, and often painful for both of us as he kicks and screams ans scratches. It also makes me feel like crap: surely there's a better way, one with less teeth-gritting? And surely Jamie can describe it in yet another pithy-yet-detailed post, complete with telling examples?

[Colette]

...what about a self-published book? I think you have enough blog posts for an essay compilation. I would buy it!

[Alexandra]

Oh, thank you, THANK YOU! What I find wildly helpful is especially the specifics -- the anecdotes and analyses of such moments of tension, your strategies (and the philosophy behind them), and the outcomes.

THANK YOU.

[sarah e.]

Thank you so much for this series! Ditto what Alexandra says about sharing specifics AND philosophy. I started off parenting the way you describe but as the kids kept coming and our circumstances kept changing, I started yelling more and feeling like the original, gentler ideas were just not sustainable somehow. I love having the example and wisdom of an older mom to encourage me that it IS possible, although not without effort, of course! Erin at Bearing Blog's posts about St. John Bosco have also been super helpful. Likewise the post from Melissa Wiley that you shared.

Maybe it would be too much to pull off, but I'd LOVE to see some kind of Catholic parenting book/pamphlet/collection of essays/whatever from the three of you. Based on what I have seen in my own life and in conversations with my Catholic friends, there is a huge need for this. Some of my friends are familiar with attachment parenting for infants, but many of us don't know what to do after that, especially as the babies keep coming and the homeschooling begins, for example.

[bearing]

Wow, that's high praise to be lumped in with Melissa AND Jamie! Thank you!