Later

When we were engaged and newly married, my husband and I were involved with a fantastic retreat program.  In the summer of 1995 I applied to be lay director for one of the retreats that next academic year. I wasn't chosen. When I got the call I hung up the phone and cried for a minute -- I trusted the team's discernment, but I was disappointed and I couldn't help feeling rejected.

A couple of months later they called me back. The guy who was slated to lead the November retreat was facing a huge family crisis and needed to step down. Could I fill in? I could. I did. It was a terrific (though trying) experience and I still think that the talk I gave to the participants on Sunday afternoon was one of the finest hours of my life so far.

Also in the summer of 1995, I miscarried my first baby. Losing that baby wrecked me: I'd never grieved like that. I'd never pleaded with God as earnestly as I did for the life of my baby, and he said no. I was still limping in November. I think that was part of why my talk resonated with the participants; I think they could hear the heartbreak and the sincerity in my voice when I told them that sometimes you implore God to spare you the outcome you dread, and he says no, and he is still good -- always good.

For complicated reasons I was convinced I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again, and in fact it was more than eight months after the miscarriage, in the spring of 1996, when I learned we were expecting Alex. Today I have been thinking about the little burst of hope I felt when I got the call about directing the retreat. I had applied because I'd felt called to the position, and then I was sad and a little embarrassed when they chose other candidates instead. As it turned out, God wasn't saying no; he was saying, "Later." Maybe he was also saying "Later" about the call to motherhood. Maybe someday I would have a baby to hold.

I wish I could tell my 1995 self that she really could look forward to the future -- that she wouldn't just have a baby to hold, that she would have five children and that they would be her favorite people in the world.

Why am I thinking about this today? Tune in tomorrow and I'll tell you why.