Two weeks ago I resolved that I wouldn't goof around on the computer unless the dishes, the laundry, the meal prep, and my prayer life were where they needed to be first. For ten days this was an awesome plan. Things were caught up around here and I was feeling pretty good about it.
And then the habit fought back.
This week has been a real struggle. Part of it is that I hate my own sloth. Part of it is that the toddler sleep thing is kicking my butt from here to Madagascar. Or maybe Ganymede. I'm too disoriented from sleep deprivation to tell exactly where my butt has gone.
Part of it is that I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. I was in the Adoration chapel on Thursday morning, feeling guilty and frustrated about my bad habits, when I had a sudden insight, one of those moments of truth from outside my own head: overemphasizing self-discipline and to-do lists can be a form of idolatry.
The purpose of the Christian life is not to get things done. The purpose of the Christian life is not even to vanquish vices for the sake of vanquishing vices. The purpose of the Christian life is to live in relationship with Jesus.
If I fix my eyes on my to-do list, I can't fix my eyes on Jesus.
It's like I'm teetering between two errors. I can't be the person I'm called to be if sloth is grabbing me by the scruff of the neck. I also can't be the person I'm called to be if I am narrowly focused on efficiency. The computer and the to-do list are both good servants, bad masters.
I'm not making a Sunday Night Strategizing list this week because I have some discerning to do. (Also because last week left me full of discouragement and woe, but that's a secondary issue.) It's been really fun to see other SNS posts popping up here and there, so best wishes to all of you who are taking on your own to-do lists.
Oh, darn it, the 2yo is awake again. If you are a pray-er, please pray for her to sleep and me to have patience. I'm about to lose my mind here. Throwing up this unedited post and saying good night--
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