Amblers make me stabby. Even stabbier if they are yakking on their cell phones while ambling.

Do you know, my friends, what my very most detested part of work is? Do you?? Probably not, so I am helpfully writing a blog post aaalllll about it. Aren't you glad? Here it is: I hate the drive.

I don't hate the whole drive. That might be a reasonable hatred, since it sucks up an hour of my time each way. I'm only grouchy about one little chunk of it at one specific time: the five blocks right around campus, between ten 'til and the top of the hour.

Between my two stints in grad school, they posted signs all around campus: vehicles are to yield to pedestrians in the crosswalks. And I see the importance of that, really I do -- I have logged a lot of miles as a pedestrian myself. I have perfected a wave to the drivers of turning vehicles that straddles the line between friendly and imperious; it says, "We'll be out of the crosswalk in a jiffy so don't even think about mowing down my children. Got it?" I understand that when you have a lot of foot traffic in an area, it's important for drivers to be aware of the rules.

Somehow, though, the students have taken those signs to mean something different. Like, "Please fling yourselves in front of oncoming cars, serene in the knowledge that they will stop for you." Like, "Why worry about blocking all traffic at a four-way stop when you could be continuing your oh-so-important cell phone conversation instead?"

You know, I have been an undergrad scrambling to get to class on time. I get that too. But OH OH OH if you are in such a hurry that you must lunge in front of my vehicle, why would you then ease across the intersection at the speed of molasses? Not even molasses in January -- molasses on Mars. Molasses in space. A barnacle could beat some of these kids across the street, with both shells tied behind its back.

These kids. Listen to me; I sound like Andy Rooney. You don't have to get off my lawn, kids, you just have to let me drive on the street -- the street, which was built for vehicles -- sometime in the next ten minutes.

In my (apparently idealistic) view of the world, it's all about mutual courtesy. You shouldn't lay on the horn as I walk across the street legally, but I shouldn't keep you waiting in your car any longer than necessary either. That's the thing that makes me most crazy about campus pedestrians: the reluctance to recognize that the drivers should eventually get a turn too. If I needed to cross an intersection twice (to wind up kitty-corner from where I started), I would never keep a turning vehicle waiting while I walked through both legs of the crossing -- I'd cross one way and then wave to the driver to say it was his turn to go. If I saw that a car had been waiting for another group of pedestrians to get across, I wouldn't amble out in front of it -- I'd wait the few measly seconds for it to go.

It's easy for me to impute nasty motives to these students, to imagine little blinky signs on their chests that say SELFISH and ENTITLED and NEEDS TO GROW UP AND REALIZE THAT OTHER PEOPLE ALSO HAVE PLACES TO BE. Today I was pretty vocal, through closed windows, to one conspicuously distracted woman. "Honey. Close UP the phone and watch where you're GOING." (She didn't even glance in the direction of my vexed-sounding voice. Must have been a riveting conversation.) That's not who I want to be, even when I'm exasperated. But honestly? I think from now on I'm going to stay in my office until the whatever o'clock bell rings to tell me most students are in class.

I'll probably get where I'm going just as quickly anyway.

Comments

[Sarah @ This Heavenly Life]

Ohhohohohahaha :) I get your frustration, but your working through it was my reading pleasure. 'Barnacles' had me snorting on my late-night apple snack.

Next time you happen across one, I say roll your window down and let some of this gorgeous sarcasm fly over those cluelessly rude pedestrians :) At the very least you should be reaping some entertainment from their ambling!

[JeCaThRe]

I hear this. My church is smack in the middle of a University community, surrounded by campus, sorority houses, the commuter rail station and student friendly restaurants. Driving anywhere near there during class hours is hellacious. I don't even mind the people who stream across posted crosswalks without regard to cars, but the people who pop out from between parked cars to cross in the middle of the block? Or the people who begin jaywalking across an intersection just as I've started a turn? It's like they want me to hit them.

[Carla]

Funny use of the label "amblers"...

just watched the new zombie show on AMC "The Walking Dead"...

I think zombies move faster than college students in general...

[Tall Kate]

"It's about mutual courtesy" -- ABSOLUTELY. I strive to be a courteous and pedestrian-friendly driver ... but I also strive to be a courteous pedestrian. When a car is stopped for me, I make every effort to get my butt, my groceries, and my kids across the street in a timely manner, and with a friendly wave and a smile. Two-way street, for sure.