Aflame

Oh, my friends, it's a cautionary tale.

If you are a novice gardener, and if your jalapeno plants have been bearing little deep green peppers with just the right amount of kick, and if you spy a deep red pepper on one plant, and if a test nibble yields pleasing results--

--do not, DO NOT, bite off a big hunk and chew it contemplatively like a cow with a case of autopyromania.

Because if you do, even if you can pretty much keep up with the big kids when it comes to spicy food, you are going to regret that chewing as soon as the swallow is over. The contemplative chewing will yield to a decidedly uncontemplative post-swallow phase, in which you are consumed by one thought:

YOWZA.

Next you will think, "Huh, who knew there were that many pain receptors on the posterior pharyngeal wall?" (Or maybe you will only think that if you are an SLP.) You will drink a glass of milk slowly, because you've heard that the fat should help to disperse the fire. It turns out that throwing fat on the fire isn't helpful. You will eat a slice of bread, slowly, trying to sop up the incendiary pepper residue. Bread isn't particularly helpful either. You will wonder if anyone has invented a teeny fire extinguisher for this situation. 

You will wander over to the computer, tentatively feeling your stinging lips. You will wonder if there are any holes scorched in your mucous membranes or if it just feels that way. You will write a blog post that starts out "If you are a novice gardener..."