Too good to pass up

I just got a call from a pod person. He pretended to be my husband, but he didn't fool me. I know he was a pod person because he said, "Could you make me a list of things to do tonight?"

I covered my astonishment well. I said, "Sure, honey, I can do that!" And then I reached quietly for my cell phone while I kept him chatting on the landline. I dialed the FBI. And NASA. And the zoo. Who handles pod people invasions, anyway?

Really now: "Could you make me a list of things to do tonight?" What kind of stupid aliens are these? They can fly through light-years of empty space (boy, are their tentacles tired!). They can invade my husband's workplace, where the security people always scrutinize my license v-e-r-y carefully to make sure I am not going to steal any secret info on, I don't know, outlier weighting strategies. They can take over his body while making sure enough of his consciousness remains to dial our home number -- and then they say a crazy thing like "Could you make me a list of things to do tonight?"

NOTE TO THE POD PEOPLE: Try again.

It might be that my husband will wrest back control of his body before he gets home tonight, but I doubt it. If the guy is uttering sentences like "Could you make me a list of things to do tonight?" he's bound to be pretty far gone in the alien's grip. I need to have a list prepared to keep the pod person busy while I prepare to go all Sigourney Weaver on his cloaca. I've got it started:

• Construct long-handled chimney broom using toilet brush, duct tape, and all those detachable thingies for angling the blind slats.
• Construct catapult from snow shovel and scrap wood.
• Hurl self to roof.
• Bandage resulting lacerations using duct tape and superglue from construction projects.
• Sweep chimney [unswept for at least five years].
• Catalog the arachnid life therein.
• Alphabetize the socks [my husband loves alphabetizing things so maybe this task will speak to him, submerged though he might be beneath the pod person's will].

What do you think? Will that buy me enough time for the FBI to get here? Help me out, ladies -- what's a person supposed to do when an alien calls?

Comments

[Jamie]

PS It occurred to me after I posted this that the podliness might not be evident to people who don't know my husband: he is the anti-list guy. I am the one who loves to make lists that start out (1) Make list, and he is the one who shakes his head at my OCD tendencies. It's as if he said, "I am really jonesing for a steaming bowl of mustard greens." Some husbands might say that. Not mine.

[Jody]

Personally I would make the list and wait to phone the FBI for about 48 hours. I mean, the pod people went to all that trouble, and who knows how hard it will be to dislodge them, you might as well take a breather and enjoy the experience.

[Pippi]

I'm with Jody -- these pod people have something going for them. Use them to your advantage for as long as possible. Who knows, maybe one will invade one of your boys and suddenly he'll be asking if he could do a few loads of laundry for you. Maybe he'll even pair the socks!

If that's the case, please let me know and I'll send you my address. You can encourage them to stop here next.

[Tall Kate]

Oh my goodness. This provided exactly the silly laugh I desperately needed. (Continued by the comments, I might add.)

[Biz]

Just roll with it . . . at least you'll get your honey do list done! :D

[marcie]

I'm still laughing about "cloaca." Haven't heard that word since eighth grade science class.

[Carla]

The FBI is here, sitting right next to me...
he awaits your call!