Ladies! Are you trying to lose some weight? Do we have a patron saint for you!! Thursday is the feast of the Nativity of St. John the Baptist. It's the first day of your slim trim life!
You might ask why, and sensibly so. Was St. JtB tearing up the runway in first-century Jerusalem? (You can't go wrong with camel hair, he'd tell you.) Was he the fitness consultant to the stars of his day? (We knew he was the forerunner; we just didn't know it was the forerunner of Jillian Michaels.)
No, St. John the Baptist can be your weight loss patron saint because of his famous quote: "I must decrease!" Me too, St. JtB; me too. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is leading me to write a bestselling weight loss guide, to be called You Must Decrease: Ancient Weight Loss Secrets. Here's a sneak preview of its foolproof strategies:
- Find desert.
- Eat locusts.
- Also honey.
- No, silly, you can't buy the honey. You have to chase it down and arm-wrestle the bees for it.
- Eat more locusts. Admit it -- they're growing on you, aren't they?
- Use the leather belt around your camel hair tunic (appealingly retro, am I right?) to record inch loss. Tape measures are scarce in the desert.
- [Optional] Provoke sanctimonious religious authorities of the day.
- Repeat steps 2-5 until desired results are achieved.
NB: St. John the Baptist is justly famous for his stunning loss of 11 pounds in one fell swoop. We urge readers, however, not to try that one at home.
What are you waiting for? Go forth and decrease!
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