Thanks, everybody, for the supportive comments.
Celeste asked why I thought these two women reacted the way they did, and I think there are a couple of reasons. One is that even in a neighborhood where kids can roam a bit, there will be variation in how the neighbors view the roaming. We're all going to have different ideas about how much freedom kids should have. It makes sense that a neighbor who is more cautious about letting a kid play unsupervised would be the one to approach an unsupervised kid.
I also think that it's hard for people to back down. If you've taken a stand with a kid -- "you shouldn't be out here alone" -- you might prefer to hold your ground rather than say something like, "Well, it sounds like you do things differently in your family." I remember feeling baffled about how to re-negotiate boundaries when my oldest son was little. Wouldn't it erode my authority if I changed my mind? (It was a pleasant surprise to discover that a general willingness to negotiate made it easier for him to hear "That's not negotiable" when I needed to say it.) I think many adults feel that if they tell a kid something they need to stick with it.
Two years ago when the police showed up I resolved to be the calmest, most rational version of myself that I could be. And I was -- waves of calm emanated from me and nearby birds ceased fluttering because I had sucked them into my Vortex of Tranquility. It worked in the moment: the cop agreed with every point I made and he filed a report that called it a harmless misunderstanding.
But I think it also backfired on me. Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person gets calmer and calmer and you find yourself feeling crazier and crazier? I think if you leave the other person holding the bag o' crazy, it might come back to bite you. I think if you call the cops and they tell you your concerns are unwarranted, you might go looking for someone else to tell: this kid was only 6 years old and his mother drove away while he ran across the street without watching for cars. That's my best guess about what happened in '08.
On Monday I hardly talked to the neighbor at all. Pete was so upset that I was focused on him, and I wanted to be certain that I understood what had happened before I told the neighbor I was unhappy about the way she handled it.
One of the hazards of living near a college campus is that we get occasional cars zooming down the street at 45 mph -- driven, almost always, by 19yo guys. She said, "This is Crazy Corner here. They take out that streetlight once a year." (I think this is a wild exaggeration. I have never seen any damage to that streetlight, ever, but I do live on the other side of the block.) She's right that an out-of-control car could hurt my son. I think the risk is minimal at 1:30 on a Monday afternoon. I think my son, who has been going for walks in this neighborhood since he was less than 24 hours old, understands that we need to listen for cars going too fast. Because her kids are grown she probably hasn't thought much about how to teach kids to avoid that hazard -- only that it's a hazard.
I'm optimistic about our follow-up conversation. I will tell her that Pete is small for his age, but that he's heading to kindergarten in the fall and I want him to feel competent navigating our neighborhood. Not cocky, of course. But I also want to say that I think we do kids a disservice when we teach them to be too fearful. I'm going to ask her to help me strike a good balance when she sees my kids outside. I'll let you know how it goes.
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