Kindly Light

The more I learn, the less I know.

Earlier in the program I was much more confident. Maybe I didn't know something, but I was going to figure it out. All through the dissertation stage I have been plagued with doubt. Last January: I'm not going to able to figure out the morpheme coding. (Remember my friend Vlad?) In March: I'm not going to be able to come up with a reasonable strategy for measuring low-frequency vocabulary. In May: I'm never going to finish this syntax analysis. In July: I'm not going to be able to understand the multilevel modeling book. In September: I can't use R to analyze my results because it's too hard.

Only some of this is pessimism. It has been a hard slog, requiring me to use many new tools. All along the way there have been flashes of insight, moments of inspiration, offers of unexpected assistance. 

One of the things I love about this prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas is its recognition that God who is omniscient as well as all-holy calls us out of both ignorance and sin -- that we can honor God through learning about the world he has made. I was thinking about this in the small hours of this morning, pacing with a wakeful baby and pondering, mercifully, not my sleep deprivation but the wonder of creation. The heavens are telling the glory of God, from galaxies to gluons. (The psalmist, of course, didn't mention this one, but I kept thinking, "ATP. ATP is evidence for the existence of God." It seems less convincing now than it did at 2am.)

I told my advisor that I was going to try to finish my model-building this week, which is going to require a lot of work. I need answers to some hard questions (e.g., what is going on with that funky U-shaped relationship between two of my moderating variables?). It would be easy for me to feel overwhelmed.

But do you know, I wrote this post yesterday, and saved it in my drafts folder so I could add the links. Already I am feeling like I have reasonable answers to a couple of the questions that were vexing me. I do not expect that all of my work this week will go as smoothly, but I am encouraged.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.