Further Notes from Postpartumland

• I want to remember how smiley she is. I know week-old babies aren't supposed to smile, but that's when it started: occasionally she'll look right in my eyes and smile slow and big. We mostly see sleep grins, but I love those too.
• Last night I was holding her and watching her dream -- her little mouth moving through grins and frowns and big surprised O-shapes. How I wonder what her dreams are like.
• Also last night, she had her first bath in the big tub. Pete was splashing in there and I thought I'd just hop in with the baby, who needed a bath. I told Elwood to be ready to grab her in case she was miserable, but she loved it -- I want to remember her wide, wide eyes, taking it all in.
• One of the reasons I am a fan of homebirth is that I found the postpartum adjustment so much easier after my two homebirths than I did after my two hospital births -- less sibling stuff, less marriage stuff, less of my own stuff. I had always wondered, though, how much of it was that my two home-born babies were warm-weather babies. This one, I thought, would be the test, since I have always struggled with winter blues. Verdict: one of the reasons I am a fan of homebirth is that I find the postpartum adjustment so, SO much easier. (Is there an echo in here?)
• With that said, is there a little bit of crazy that just goes with the postpartum territory? I always find that I do have to push away anxious and irrational thoughts (to wit: I was just wondering what would happen if I had postpartum psychosis and didn't know it, and had to remind myself that postpartum psychosis has some important symptoms I am not displaying, like, say, psychosis).
• In another example, baby slept an eight-hour stretch one night and a seven-hour stretch the next. The first night I was really worried. I had this whole explanation worked out: I never got the results from my GBS screen, but in my small-hours tizzy I was sure they were supposed to tell me because it was positive, and the baby had developed late-onset GBS symptoms (did you know that sleeping soundly was a GBS symptom? me neither), and she needed to wake up rightnowrightnow for me to be sure she was all right. I was rubbing her feet and tickling her face and still she slept on. At some point I had to shake my head at myself and say, "Attachment parenting has turned you into a bit of a freak, honey. Most parents whose babies sleep eight hours at a stretch say, 'Thank heavens,' and not 'Late-onset GBS!!'" I was much happier when she was back to a normal newborn nursing groove last night.
• When I had one child and then two, I couldn't imagine how mothers of large families managed. What I didn't know was how much help a pair of willing hands could be. The boys are eager to hold her, though they are quick to hand her off when she tries to eat their shirts. She needs you, Mom, they say. I also didn't realize, with the older ones, how fast it goes. I will savor these little patches of hair at her temples, and the sweetness of her milky breath, because once they're gone they'll never come back.
• She is sleeping in my lap, a drop of milk at the corner of her mouth. She is smiling, once again. She likes it here, I think.