One of my sons has always challenged me more than the other three combined. For his whole life people have been telling me the key to dealing with him. He needs a smack on the behind. He needs his computer time taken away. He needs you to be more patient with him. He needs... something you're not giving him, is what it boils down to.
Many times I have wondered what a psychologist might make of him. When he was smaller, he struggled intensely enough with social issues and rigid behaviors that I was reasonably certain he could get a diagnosis on the Asperger's end of the autistic spectrum. I didn't think it would fit him at the time, and it's clearly not an appropriate diagnosis now, but I'm still willing to bet somebody would have applied the label. These days I wonder about oppositional defiant disorder.
I've never pursued a formal assessment. I'm not sure I want a DSM-IV label for him when maybe the best label for him is "intense and intermittently very difficult." I don't think I'd medicate a child without a clearer indication that it was needed (though I am wondering about a regimen of fish oil stealth smoothies). I suppose a therapist might be helpful, but he or she might also be one more voice with an easy answer. One more round of "he just needs"-- when I'm tired of hearing that there's an easy answer. I have never thought more about any problem than I have thought about how to provide effective, loving discipline for this child. I do not believe that I am overlooking an obvious solution. Some answers are not easy. Some things take time.
Today we had some trouble again, and I am feeling weary. The family member who says I'm too harsh was here along with the family member who says I need to yank privileges more aggressively, and they were both outspoken about what they thought should happen. The child in question went to bed angry, tearful, unrepentant. I hate that.
When I was pregnant with him I asked God not for an easy birth but for a birth that would teach me about holiness. This, my friends, is a prime example of "be careful what you pray for because you might get it." Lesson learned: holiness is really hard -- holiness and suffering are entwined. I was thinking about it a few weeks ago (since I'm in confessional mode: I was feeling a nudge from the Holy Spirit to pray about this birth in the same way and I was afraid to do it), and I felt that God was saying to me, "The difficulties you face in mothering this boy are still part of your path to holiness."
Perhaps if I were a nobler soul this would prompt me to embrace my lot wholeheartedly. Instead it makes me say, "Could I have fewer difficulties in mothering this boy and just be medium holy?
I know better. I am willing to walk this path. It just feels like a slog right now.
The title of this post comes from a song I never finished writing, a song begun when I was first getting conflicting advice about dealing with this child and his behavior issues. I felt like I was driving blind, steering by the uncertain compass of my heart. I am more confident these days: in thinking back over this afternoon, I can say that I was fair and calm and consistent.
But it still has left me tearful, and worn out, and unsure about what comes next.
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