One of my sons has always challenged me more than the other three combined. For his whole life people have been telling me the key to dealing with him. He needs a smack on the behind. He needs his computer time taken away. He needs you to be more patient with him. He needs... something you're not giving him, is what it boils down to.
Many times I have wondered what a psychologist might make of him. When he was smaller, he struggled intensely enough with social issues and rigid behaviors that I was reasonably certain he could get a diagnosis on the Asperger's end of the autistic spectrum. I didn't think it would fit him at the time, and it's clearly not an appropriate diagnosis now, but I'm still willing to bet somebody would have applied the label. These days I wonder about oppositional defiant disorder.
I've never pursued a formal assessment. I'm not sure I want a DSM-IV label for him when maybe the best label for him is "intense and intermittently very difficult." I don't think I'd medicate a child without a clearer indication that it was needed (though I am wondering about a regimen of fish oil stealth smoothies). I suppose a therapist might be helpful, but he or she might also be one more voice with an easy answer. One more round of "he just needs"-- when I'm tired of hearing that there's an easy answer. I have never thought more about any problem than I have thought about how to provide effective, loving discipline for this child. I do not believe that I am overlooking an obvious solution. Some answers are not easy. Some things take time.
Today we had some trouble again, and I am feeling weary. The family member who says I'm too harsh was here along with the family member who says I need to yank privileges more aggressively, and they were both outspoken about what they thought should happen. The child in question went to bed angry, tearful, unrepentant. I hate that.
When I was pregnant with him I asked God not for an easy birth but for a birth that would teach me about holiness. This, my friends, is a prime example of "be careful what you pray for because you might get it." Lesson learned: holiness is really hard -- holiness and suffering are entwined. I was thinking about it a few weeks ago (since I'm in confessional mode: I was feeling a nudge from the Holy Spirit to pray about this birth in the same way and I was afraid to do it), and I felt that God was saying to me, "The difficulties you face in mothering this boy are still part of your path to holiness."
Perhaps if I were a nobler soul this would prompt me to embrace my lot wholeheartedly. Instead it makes me say, "Could I have fewer difficulties in mothering this boy and just be medium holy?
I know better. I am willing to walk this path. It just feels like a slog right now.
The title of this post comes from a song I never finished writing, a song begun when I was first getting conflicting advice about dealing with this child and his behavior issues. I felt like I was driving blind, steering by the uncertain compass of my heart. I am more confident these days: in thinking back over this afternoon, I can say that I was fair and calm and consistent.
But it still has left me tearful, and worn out, and unsure about what comes next.
Ah, this sounds so familiar. Of my 4 children my #2 son was very much like your "problem child". I cried, I prayed, I wondered what I was doing wrong, etc etc. There were no good answers. I just want to tell you that now that they are all adults, he is the most successful, most charming, most fun to be with of all of them. Maybe part of his "difficult" nature came from knowing himself better than most kids do, I don't know. I just know that I never knew how to make things better, so I just did what I knew and did the best I could, and now I can see that it all worked out. You are an excellent mother, your kids will be fine and so will you.
Posted by: Katie | October 29, 2008 at 11:49 PM
I have 6 children all mixed - the other day, and come to think of it I will make the same decision today - when I was weary of ALL of them I made a conscious decision that "today I will have fun with my kids".
We had a great day, just ordinary fun. And the child who winds me up the most is often the child who wants to be close to me the most, usually at totally inopportune moments. Being the mum to 6 kids is hard, very hard, but I have known GOD to really help when I make an effort, esp. in the "enjoy my children" department.
GOD bless, Jamie, btw. I believe we blogged a few years ago on your previous blog about home birth (you must have received so many emails about this you won't remember, but I do, and by now I have had two of them).
Michaela
Posted by: Michaela | October 30, 2008 at 04:12 AM
Jamie, I can *so relate to what you have written. In regards to one of my children, some days I feel like the best mother, and some days I feel that I am failing miserably--well beyond "we all have a bad day sometimes." I don't have any profound words of wisdom, but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. God Bless.
Posted by: KatieButler | October 30, 2008 at 07:40 AM
Lovely post.
It's hard not to offer advice to someone who looks like they need it, isn't it? A good reminder to those of us who are always tempted to try to solve somebody else's problems.
Posted by: bearing | October 30, 2008 at 08:08 AM
I'm sure you realize that behaviors exist on a continuum. Your son's rigidity and social difficulties don't put him on the ASD, but they do make him challenging.
My 6.5 yr old daughter is so concrete that when her teacher told her to write "everything you know about weather" on a blank piece of paper, she couldn't finish the assignment. I suggested to her teacher that she choose different wording, something that would allow my daughter to write for a few minutes and then be comfortable turning her work in. Sigh. This same daughter nursed until 31 months (I weaned her to take meds that I needed), co-slept until she was 5 and still prefers physical contact with me to any other comfort. I didn't pray for holiness, but I still got a good challenge!
Personally, I believe that our children are hardwired to behave certain ways, and temperamentally set by their DNA. I can see my daughter's behaviors in my MIL and SIL. That doesn't make parenting them any easier, but maybe it takes some of the guilt away. I'm sure that you are doing the best you can do with your son, and that he is learning how to be a full human being by your example.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Posted by: Karen | October 31, 2008 at 09:32 AM
Ah CJ that's a tough one. I don't always deal well with one of my children's intensities and I can worry myself into a froth about them. I don't know what else to say about it.
One day at a time, you know? This far by faith, and all that.
Posted by: Jody | November 01, 2008 at 09:51 PM
CJ, I just read this out loud to my mom after a nice - very rare - afternoon with my spectrum kiddo.
One day at a time, indeed.
Posted by: Carmen | November 02, 2008 at 07:24 PM
Tear on reading your last sentence! I have a child with Asperger's, and oh boy. It's been hard. He is very difficult, people don't understand how it effects your quality of life. I love him, of course, but I pray it gets a little easier as he gets older.
Sometimes a dx helps because there are certain methods of dealing with a child with AS. It can also help to quiet "helpful" relatives. The dx helps to explain to them what is true of any child. This child is unique, and his behavior must be treated accordingly by the people who know him best. His parents. Not because we always get it right, but because if anyone is going to get it right, it's us.
Posted by: Erin | November 03, 2008 at 03:47 PM
I am lucky in that my difficult one is also SO MUCH like me.I "get" her -- most of the time -- and find it not so hard to figure out what she needs because it's what I would need. Her personality overall is not a lot like mine; she's ten times more extroverted and friendly and overall happy than I ever was (another way in which I am lucky) but emotionally she's so much like me.
I read "Raising Your Spirited Child" and while it didn't necessarily improve my parenting, it made me feel a lot better about myself --I AM this way, is all, and all the parenting in the world couldn't have made me different.
You are a wonderful mother, not least because you bring so much discernment to the process. As a diffcult kid myself, I knew my parents loved me but I often feel they never really took the time to know me. You KNOW your children. This matters.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | November 06, 2008 at 11:04 PM
Also, diapers? I have a huge amount of adjustable somethings (name is escaping me right now) I bought used that didn't really work out for us. You want? They are yours for postage. (Not at all upset if you don't want, because used diapers ick and people have preferred systems and all, but you want, they are yours). I have the inserts too.
Posted by: Amy | November 06, 2008 at 11:10 PM