Problems and Solutions

I am doing my best to raise children who solve their own problems. Starting in toddlerhood my children hear the word "resourceful" used frequently as a compliment and an exhortation. My children know that we will help them to resolve their conflicts if necessary, but that the expected first step is to ask for what they need from the other party. This is not to say that I delight in uncomfortable conversations myself, or that I am the queen of conflict resolution -- only that I believe it is a crucial life skill, one worth a few awkward feelings.

I have been following the comments on this post with dread and disbelief. In a nutshell: newly divorced dad with weekend custody moves from suburbs to rural area and leaves his kids inadequately supervised. The predominant response from commenters: call CPS.

Now I accept that there are limits to the solve-your-own-problems mentality. When I observe that the utility pole in my yard looks like it would fall over if I sneezed on it, I'm calling the power company to come check it out --  not heading out there with a baseball bat to conduct experiments on how much force it can withstand. I want the people with utility pole experience to offer me an informed judgment about safety in that situation.

But if you have a difference of opinion with a neighbor, should your first step really be to call a lawyer? If the friendly college kids across the street are blasting their music at bedtime, can't you ring their doorbell and say pleasantly, "Hey, my kids are trying to get to sleep," before you call the police? And if you think a neighbor is missing the boat with his or her kids, can't you say, "I was worried when I saw..." instead of jumping right to CPS involvement?

I understand that there are situations you don't want to mess around with. I'm not going to walk into a fraternity house full of drunken 20-year-olds to ask them to turn it down. There are certainly parents whom I would not cross. But in general, if the issue is good intentions coupled with bad judgment, I just can't see involving the state as a first step.

I have been slowly drafting that final post on our CPS case -- slowly because I find it painful. I have seldom felt as vulnerable as the day I invited the caseworker into my home and said, "This is the kind of mother I strive to be," only to have him say, in effect, "Well, I'll have to get back to you about whether that's adequate." I still cannot get my mind around that neighbor's choice to call the police instead of saying, "Let's walk to your house together," or, "Let's call your mom and tell her she should come get you because you're not being safe when you cross the street." And then, as if that wasn't enough, to report me to CPS -- I still can't believe she thought that was a good idea.

If these Redbook commenters are representative, though, she's far from alone. Do people not recognize that calling CPS about questionable parenting isn't like calling the power company about a questionable utility pole? Do they really think it's a harmless choice? CPS caseworkers tend to be underpaid young adults with little parenting experience, confronting some of the most evil things human beings can do. Their mandate is to decide whether parents pose an imminent danger to their children -- not, repeat NOT, to spare you three minutes of awkwardness as you muster the nerve to say to a clueless new neighbor, "You know, we don't usually leave kids alone out here until they're quite a bit older. Some of us find babysitters through the local college/NanniesRUs/etc. -- would you like the number?"

I do agree, of course, that the dad in the story used bad judgment. But parenting judgment develops over time and is shaped by the community a parent is part of. I have learned so much from friends who were willing to say, "Did you ever think about...?" I hate to think of this man's neighbors saying, "Hey, welcome to the neighborhood! We can't be bothered to talk to you, but meet your new CPS caseworker."

Comments

[Karen]

I agree. I think in the story Julia told on REDBOOK, she and her neighbors don't really seem to have a "community" that includes this new man. And being rural, maybe they feel that developing a functional relationship with him will be too difficult, especially if it starts off with such a negative experience. So they've considered just throwing in the towel and calling the authorities. It is sad that so many of Julia's commenters have followed this path.

The first neighborhood we lived in as a young married couple was older, full of bungalows with front porches. We saw our neighbors often and had relationships with almost all of them. In my new neighborhood, full of ranch houses, no one comes out their front door. I know everyone who walks dogs like I do, but almost none of the kids around our house. How can I feel connected to my neighbors? I work at it, but I don't get the feeling that many others do. I have come to feel that one of the major problems of the current day is people being so disconnected from a community of neighbors.

It does "take a village" to raise a family. But now you have to create the village!

[Erin]

I agree, 100%. We've lived in our current home for almost 2 years. When our new puppy was behaving in an unruly manner (wandering around in neighbor's yards, running in the road) we received an anonymous note in our mail box, threatening to call animal control on us.
On the other hand, we never had any of these neighbors stop by our home when we moved in. No one introduced themselves, or made an effort to make us feel welcome. Just the note, and a threat.
How sad. I remember when I was a child and we moved into a new house. The neighbors came over for coffee and brought us a pie.
What are we coming to?

[amy]

Before I read the (first 10) comments on that story, I admit I was thinking, "Holy cow! Those kids do not sound safe in that guy's care!" But then I started reading, saw all the "CALL CPS NOW!" comments, and I had to back up and consider the better choice of talking to him first.

Someone suggested in the comments there that if he's newly divorced, perhaps he's new to being the primary caregiver. Being mindful of his recently changed situation really should inform how people react to a single decision on his part, shouldn't it? But, as has been pointed out, we're all so reluctant to talk to one another that we'd rather volunteer someone else to do it for us, and I think CPS must be the first thing people think of. Pity.

[CJ]

Amy, it makes so much sense to me that having a new set of responsibilities along with a new custody arrangement would play a role in the dad's decision. That's what I was thinking about when I said up above that developing parenting judgment takes time.