Elwood, God bless him, made the school supply run today and when he came home there was much sorting and divvying and arranging. The process was interrupted by dinner, though, and the unsorted stuff went to a temporary home on the dining room floor. After dinner the three younger boys enacted a sort of Battle of Five Armies with school supplies as the principals. "My tape cannon is blowing up your Kleenex box tank!" shouted one to another, with appropriate sound effects.
This was fine and good for ten minutes or so, but then I began to weary of the sounds of the glue stick M16. "Boys," I interrupted, "I need the artillery to fire more quietly or I'm going to call an armistice." Marty objected. "Mom, you can't have a quiet machine gun." "Fit it with a silencer," quoth I. Elwood rolled his eyes. "You can't put a silencer on a machine gun."
Tell me I am not the only one to see the irony there: you can spray bullets out of a hole punch and lay siege to a city with a box of markers, but it's too implausible to put a silencer on a machine gun? Maybe I should call it the House of Five Boys if my husband is going to side with the mad eraser bombers.
On a more serious note, today we walked down to school to find out the middle boys' class assignments. (And hurray! They both got the teachers I hoped they would!) As we walked, and then again at dinner, we talked about what to do if this neighbor who has caused such hassles for us should bother them as they are walking to or from school. Is she going to view a pretend swordfight, or an argument with raised voices, as further evidence of maternal negligence requiring immediate intervention? I'm not terribly worried about it since the police officer told me he would make it clear to her that she needed to leave my kids alone, but it has been niggling at me. They will pass her house twice a day, unless I tell them to take the route to school that has many times more traffic. I don't think I want to do that.
Tonight I told the kids that they had to remember, always, the greatest commandment. Loving your neighbor means you shouldn't be ugly or deliberately rude or vengeful. But I told them they should be assertive and forceful if she attempted to stop them, that they could shout something like, "NO! Do NOT touch me! I do not need your help to get home safely!" And possibly, "My mom will report it to the police if you touch me!" I think I will also call the principal and give her a bare-bones outline of the situation (probably just "we're concerned about a neighbor who exercised poor judgment in an interaction with Joe"), and ask to be alerted immediately if the boys have a run-in with her on the way to school.
I am still wrestling with the question of expressing forgiveness -- I was intrigued to see the range of possible responses in this comment thread. However that plays out, though, she cannot ever again restrain one of my children without my consent. I have poured a lot of energy into teaching my kids to treat adults courteously and with respect. It feels a little strange to say, "And really, go right ahead: bellow NO and run away if that's what you need to do." Different tools for different situations, I guess. But it's one thing to talk about shouting NO at a hypothetical stranger, and another to say, "You have my explicit permission to shout at this neighbor."
What would you do?
Everything you're doing/thinking sounds right on, CJ. I'm awed by your thoughtful responses to this difficult situation. Feel free to disregard this, as I'm sure there are many details you haven't shared about this neighbor, but if it's at all reasonable I feel like I would invite her over for dinner. I haven't followed the comments, so maybe someone has already suggested this. I'm imagining that if she spends any amount of time with your family she will seriously re-think her actions. Also, putting yourself in the frame of mind to receive her as a guest in your home might go a long way towards helping you forgive her. However you handle this, I will be reading and admiring your family. Blessings to you all.
Posted by: Laura | August 16, 2008 at 10:50 PM
In my career in children's music we have done some work with Stranger Danger programs and it's amazing how difficult it is for kids to learn how to yell and make noise when they need to. It is so trained out of them that sometimes they literally are not capable of shouting and drawing attention when they need it. We have a song "Sometimes You've Gotta Make A Little Noise" that talks about this issue.
Posted by: Maria Wood | August 16, 2008 at 11:08 PM
We were struggling at our house with how to instill respect for adults without unintentionally teaching our kids to do everything every adult tells them. We borrowed a DVD called "The Safe Side" that my kids (ages 5 & 3) really enjoy and that we've all learned from. Yelling when a "Don't Know" approaches is one of the video's tips. My three year old LOVES to practice screaming, "This is not my mom/dad," but my five year old, not so much. I wonder if they were actually in a situation like your son's would they yell and run away?
You write so well, have you considered just sending your neighbor a letter? You can express your forgiveness and let her know that by confronting and restraining your son, she became the danger she was trying to protect him from. You also avoid the potential drama of a face-to-face encounter and give her a chance to digest what you have to say.
For a host of reasons, whatever you do I think you should wait until the CPS thing is resolved.
On a lighter note, I love your story about school supply WMD's! My oldest boy (age 33) would have sided with all 5 of yours too!
Posted by: rem | August 17, 2008 at 05:17 PM
I keep reading this post without commenting - because I'm not sure what or how to say. I guess what it comes down to me is that yes, she deserves courtesy and respect, but that respect does not include the right to touch my kids. I think you're on the right track - but it's not easy. But nothing about this situation is all that easy, is it?
Posted by: Tracy | August 18, 2008 at 07:11 AM
I think you are doing the right thing as well. I have continued to struggle with how to teach my daughter to respect her elders and at the same time know when to tell someone to back off. She is only 11 months, so I have some time!
My main concern isn't strangers. It is people she knows. I'm not worried about someone specific, but most of the time, harm, in many forms, comes from someone the child knows. I struggle to know how to explain to her, that while you need to respect your elders, occasionally it is ok to tell an adult "No!"
Boy, I used a ton of commas in this!
Posted by: Rebecca | August 18, 2008 at 10:11 AM
It sounds to me like you've got a great handle on the situations. What else can you do? Move? You have to hope that she has, perhaps, seen the error of her ways. In the case that hasn't happened, you have properly equipped your children to deal with her if the need does arise. Good job! I'm glad you had that police officer speak to her. I don't think anything else is necessary.
Posted by: Erin | August 18, 2008 at 06:17 PM
I am not ready for you to express forgiveness for this person. Just Not. (I was going to write, "maybe you don't have to express forgiveness right now" but then figured, just tell the truth: I'm not feeling forgiving on your behalf.) In the interim, if I felt the need to do something positive and not-broody (when my brooding would trend toward the sweet-sweet-revenge-scenario), I would find out what the kids and I could do locally to help children in foster care in our community.
You know, the kids for whom CFS actually need to act.
Posted by: Jody | August 19, 2008 at 03:19 PM