Once more into the breach, dear friends

On Tuesday I got a copy of Faith & Family in the mail because my Petely's picture is in this issue. I was flipping through it, thinking idly about subscribing, when I saw this sentence in an article on taking kids to Mass:

No one will deny an infant his bottle, and some moms -- appropriately draped of course -- discreetly nurse their babies in a tucked-away space.

If you ever want to push my buttons with a nuclear-powered cattle prod, you can just call me up and read that sentence to me. It is wrong in so many ways I can't even count them, though I'm certainly going to give it a try. Before the counting commences, a quick note for anyone new to this blog: I recognize that women make all kinds of decisions for their families, for reasons that are pretty much never my business. I make no assumptions about why women use bottles, so no need to get your knickers in a twist. Three years ago I posted an essay on the web about breastfeeding Catholic mothers, and craziness ensued. I am too sick and too busy to deal with internet crazies this week. Please be crazy somewhere else.

So let's review: human milk is the food designed for human babies. Babies who do not receive human milk will be more vulnerable to a wide array of pathologies, including but not limited to enuresis, schizophrenia, alcohol-related hospitalizations, and death from SIDS. A nursing mother is conferring long-lasting protection against illness. She is shaping her child's brain, providing the right fats in the right ratio for building the retinas and the cortex with which he will learn about creation. She is shielding him from the subtle damage caused by in utero toxin exposure, and she is cutting his odds of developmental delay.

And it is crucial to note two more things: first, many of these effects are dose-related. A little human milk is great, in other words, and more is better. Second, humans are "carry mammals," meaning that their milk is designed for frequent consumption. God could have made us like bunnies, nursing every twelve hours (much easier to work around the Mass schedule that way). He could have made us like deer, but I have yet to spot any hooves or antlers on the children of my acquaintance. Human babies get hungry often. God has designed them, from top to bottom, to receive milk from their mothers' breasts.

Why then, why oh why oh why, would a magazine aimed primarily at Catholic mothers suggest that bottles should be the default for babies at Mass?

I don't really need an answer to that question. People get tetchy about the fact that human milk is made by humans. No other body fluids are foods, let alone foods with superpowers, and in general we avoid body fluids -- sensibly so. People get tetchy about the fact that breastmilk comes from breasts, when we're used to thinking about breasts as decorative or seductive.

But do you know what? It is not the normal behavior for the species that needs to change. It is the thinking that needs to change, because it is costing us all. Even if you have no children, you are paying for the higher healthcare costs of formula-fed infants (and, to a lesser extent, formula-feeding mothers). It may well be costing you in the workplace, because breastfeeding-unfriendly policies make for higher absenteeism among employed mothers. And I find it preposterous -- painfully absurd, in fact -- that Catholics are buying into the madness of a culture that equates nursing a baby with acts either sexual or excretory, things polite people would never do in public.

"Just pump," some will say. "Just pump" assumes that every woman has the money to buy a pump, and the time and willingness to use it -- a false assumption. "Just pump" is a tacit admission that the speaker thinks misplaced squeamishness trumps a baby's right to be breastfed -- a point of view with which, as you will have guessed by now, I disagree vigorously.

When a Christian woman gestates and births the baby God has given her, she says with our Lord, "This is my body, given for you." When she feeds her baby at the breast, giving him food synthesized from her own blood, she says, "This is my blood, poured out for you." (Those of us with overactive letdown modify it to "...spraying out for you rather like Old Faithful in an especially emphatic moment.") The Victorians hid away their heavily pregnant women, because those burgeoning bellies spelled s-e-x. I submit that we fall into the same error when we tell nursing mothers they need to drape or leave. "ATTENTION, PLEASE!" calls the drape. "Uncomfortable nursing mother, right here in this very spot!" And isn't it more distracting for me to be walking up and down the aisle, as I go back and forth from my private corner, than to be meeting my baby's needs quietly in the pew? (Say, did the Blessed Mother not get the memo about how modest Christian women are supposed to be using bottles or else draping? Maybe she needed Hooter Hiders, you think?)

Believe me, I don't want random parishioners catching sight of my bare breasts, any more than I want them to see my bare pregnant belly. That's why I dress for the occasion when I'm taking a small baby to church, and why I learned when my oldest was tiny how to nurse him without giving anybody an eyeful. It's not hard, especially when you can learn from other mothers around you who are also nursing their babies. Hint: this is more likely if they are sitting across from you at coffee and doughnuts, not hiding in the bathroom hoping there will be a Boston creme left by the time the baby's finished.

Here's the bottom line: we nurse our babies in obedience to God's call. We give them the food Jesus chose to receive himself -- living food that is an echo of the Eucharist in the way it nurtures and protects those who receive it frequently.  And that, in my view, is cause for celebration, not something to hide.

Comments

[gina]

Amen.

And I can't wait to run home to see his pic in Faith and Family! :)

[mary]

Ok, I was never all that comfortable nursing in public. That's just me. But for the women who can and do, GOOD FOR THEM. And you're right, a big old drape or blankie or whatever just draws more attention to it. And pumping doesn't work for everyone. And it's a pain in the butt to haul bottles around. And if I pump, I'm hoarding that milk for times when I REALLY need it, not church.

It's an uphill battle -- I've had to fight for my Catholic university to provide a better list of places to pump here. I got in an argument with the information lady at the hospital who asked "Do you need something more private than a bathroom" when I asked for a place to pump because I was in a meeting all morning.

That said, even I got pretty uncomfortable at an employee development program last week when one of my tablemates whipped out the various parts of her breastpump to show to everyone, including several middle-aged men. That is NOT helping our cause, at least not here in the midwest.

[giddy]

Amen sister!

My church has a nursing mothers' room with 6 or 7 cushy recliners and a TV piping the service in, but I generally stayed right there in the pew and did my nursing there. SOMEONE'S got to shock people into reason (discreetly of course).

I don't object to people using drapes if that works best for them--but holding the shirt "just so" always did the trick for me. I think using the shirt is sometimes hard on small-chested moms, whose working parts don't droop all the way to waist level.....but still I've had small-chested sisters in pew-nursing who manage with appropriate undergarments! (eg, T shirt with chest area cut out to keep tummy covered).

I got mad at my Lithuanian grandmother when she suggested I not nurse in public at a family reunion, because I had always given her a lot of credit for being earthy and expected her to be more supportive. Happily, my own mother, and even my husband's mother (who had nursed her 3 kids in the pew as the wife of the minister) did it the same way i did--and they did it at a time when nursing hadn't quite come back into vogue.

[CJ]

I don't object to people draping if it works for them -- not at all. If it helps you nurse your baby, go for it. I object to the expectation that everyone should drape.

[Linda]

This made me cry a little:

When a Christian woman gestates and births the baby God has given her, she says with our Lord, "This is my body, given for you." When she feeds her baby at the breast, giving him food synthesized from her own blood, she says, "This is my blood, poured out for you."

Thanks. Sometimes I need to be reminded that what I'm doing is a beautiful loving sacrifice, not just one more annoying obligation to be met.

[Maria Wood]

Yes, yes, and yes. And coming at a perfect moment for me, as I am just finishing up the application process to be a La Leche League leader (say that 3 times fast!). Thank you!

[Renee]

I nursed in church, right there in the front pew in front of God and everybody. My initial nursing experience was very damaged by hiding away to nurse. I resented missing out on life, and grew to get very anxious when it was time to nurse when I was out and about. That doesn't do wonders for the milk supply or the piece of mind. By baby 3 and all the way through baby 7, I nursed where and when I pleased, being as discreet as I felt was needed, and figured if anyone objected that was THEIR problem, not mine. By the way, no one ever objected, at least out loud to me.

[Sarah]

So true. Church is one of the few places where I've felt uncomfortable nursing as needed, mostly because the place is so FULL--it's hard to get any distance from other people.

[rachel]

This isn't really the point of your post, so forgive the tangent; but I will say that after a cumulative 27 months of breastfeeding so far, I now know how to be pretty dicreet - but I also know that this is not perfect (possibly to do with body type, possibly not). If someone looks at the wrong moment, or the baby isn't calm, he's more than likely to see more than he or I would want. I'm not sure what to do about this, or not sure I've found a balance here, since so far my solution is to shrug and say, well, that's a price I'm willing to pay and society should be willing to pay - but somewhere I feel a discomfort is justified, since I feel it myself.

[Karen]

can you send a copy of this posting to Michelle Duggar??

[Pam]

Great post! I thank you!! Catholic babies thank you!! Catholic mommies thank you!! The Catholic Nursing Mothers League thanks you!! Thank you! Thank you!! ;)

[pnuts mama]

yet another reason why i love you, cj...

although i personally found it easier to go to mass around my kid's nursing schedule than v/v, mostly due to my own laziness and desire to enjoy the celebration w/ a milk-induced-coma baby passed out in my arms. but i live in a place where we are still lucky to have mass 5x a weekend, so there's that.

breastfeeding...good enough for the son of God, good enough for my kids.

[Arwen]

I love you, CJ.

[Becki]

So very well said.

[AmyinMotown]

I love this, CJ. I am one who has trouble nursing in public, but defends anyone's right to do so. My mother made a comment to me about another mother we know nursing her babies in the pew, and I was like "Where else should she do it?" Our church does not have a "cry room" which is sort of a point of pride with us that babies and small children are part of the community, not sequestered off. But it also means there is no private place to nurse. And this woman is so skilled and discreet I think you'd have to be a nursing mother yourself to pick up on what she was doing.

Of course we've had people from our church imply that young families just shouldn't come because we're disruptive. Which a) all my friends and I wrok as hard as we can not to be and b) then build us a nursery!

[NaturalCatholicMama]

Yes, yes, yes. Breastfeeding is natural & normal; silicon models of a woman's breast are a (sometimes life-saving) substitute, not the norm. Draping calls attention to what you're doing; pumping doesn't quiet a fussy baby like nursing does; and will ya check out the maria lactans, already, F&F? http://www.fisheaters.com/marialactans.html

It's not even an anomaly - Mary is exposed when she nurses, and most *certainly* not draped. At least I'm covered, but no, I'm not going anywhere! It's the culture of sex that is wrong, not the nursing.

A wonderful magazine, but a disappointing sentence.

[nathaniel knight]

thank you for standing up for the children , we as a society have forgot an about there rights, that God has given them. and thank you for being true to God with out being rood.

[Kate Wicker]

AMEN! AMEN! I can't thank you enough for your support and for bringing this beautiful post to my attention. While my little article spurred more hate than I could have ever imagined, it also has given this important issue a lot of good publicity because of brave women like yourself.

Recently, a friend emailed me and said that she uses a simple question to determine if something is a sin. She asks, "Would Jesus weep at this?" She went on to say that Jesus and Mary probably would be weeping to see a nursing mom giving up her body for her child at Mass. But they would be weeping with joy.

God bless you and thanks again!

--Kate

[Gwyneth]

You are fabulous!
I had trouble nursing my first two and am now having a fantastic time nursing my third. I go anywhere and nurse anywhere and if someone see's me with a baby on my lap and fiddling with my shirt THEY SHOULD LOOK AWAY instead of trying to catch a glimpse and then give me a lecture.
I love your blog - thank you VERY MUCH!!

[Jen McCleve]

I've always believed in nursing covers. I don't like nursing in public, so I try to keep from doing it as much as possible. However, when I do have to do it I always use a nursing cover. It's just the respectful thing to do.