A Theory

My pal AL stayed with us this weekend and I miss her already.  We see each other a couple of times a year but I wish it could be more.

She is expecting her fifth child; her first four are roughly the same ages as mine.  The thing that struck me this time as I watched her with them is how much she seems to enjoy them.  Here's my theory:  I think maybe that's why the kids are so enjoyable.

If you watch mothers interacting with their kids at a playground, you'll see all kinds of things -- annoyance, amusement, tolerance, enthusiasm, and the occasional outraged bellow.  I am thinking that kids learn about who they are from the way their parents react to them.  It's not news that overindulgent parents raise kids who think they deserve to be indulged; abusive parents teach kids to accept abuse and eventually to abuse others.  But I am thinking about the shadings within the continuum we'd all call normal.

You don't have to spend much time with kids to see them rise -- or sink -- to meet others' expectations.  Do irritable mothers raise more irritating kids? [she asks ruefully]  More subtly, I am thinking about my recent frustration with a child who is too focused on cracking jokes.  Does a parent's focus on retelling funny kid stories lead kids to strive for funny even when funny isn't appropriate?

Now I know that a person can get into trouble in a hurry with mother determinism.  If you give yourself too much blame for what your kids do, you will feel a little crazy; too much credit can leave you intolerably smug.  In either case, you're likely to be wrong:  sometimes they just are who they are.  Still, I have to think that it's better for kids to spend their days with someone who mostly seems to enjoy them than with someone who is forever grumping, "Why are you forever fighting with your brother?"

Unsurprisingly, it's easier to enjoy them when I am not saying, "I'll be off the computer in a few minutes," so I'll wrap it up.  Tell me what you think about my theory, please.