A couple of you asked to hear about the mother at Joe's preschool but I have worried a little about telling the story because I do hate the whole mommy wars thing. This woman went back to work full-time when her daughter was eight weeks old. For about a year, from five months to eighteen months or so, this little girl sobbed heartbroken sobs when her mother left. She would be okay when the mother looked back in later, so the mother concluded that the daughter was trying to make her feel guilty.
Now the context: I was talking about how Pete had been really clingy that day, and how I had been feeling uneasy about my decision to be away from him part-time. She might have thought her story would make me feel better. But instead it makes me sad.
We mothers are so quick to point fingers at each other: I've seen a pediatric resident (and mother) call it child abuse to decline routine vaccinations, and I have a non-vaccinating online pal who calls it child abuse for a mother to work the hours required of pediatric residents. My definition of child abuse, personally, is more along the lines of putting a cigarette out in a child's arm. So my intent is not to trash this woman, not to say, "Can you believe the insensitivity! The lack of awareness about psychological development! And whatever else might, if exclaimed loudly enough, dampen my own feelings of ambivalence about being around less for Pete than I was for his brothers!"
When Alex was a baby people told me I stayed so close because he was my first. When you have more you'll be dancing out the door if somebody offers you a break, they said. But the truth is that I like to be near my kids when they are small: it's what I do. Except now I don't.
Pete will be two next month and I am away from him about ten hours a week. (The employed moms among you are rolling your eyes about now, that I am feeling angst about ten hours a week.) But I just this minute put my finger on the problem (thank you for your patience while I dithered on and on up there): I'm on the cusp here. I think it makes sense for me to see these kids in this new job of mine. I think I can do the work reasonably well, it's very flexible, the money's good, and we need a little more income. But once I start (and therapy appointments begin this week) I will have a commitment to these kids. I won't want to bail on them but I don't know how it's going to go, having a job and four kids and a fun little part-time doctoral program on the side. Maybe that's why I'm nervous.
And maybe, even, that's why Pete is more anxious about our separations. He's teething, too, which is never good for a toddler's disposition, but kids are little anxiety sponges and I bet that's part of his trouble. So maybe I will say, "Okay, God, I think this is what I need to do, but Pete needs to be all right with it for me to be confident in that decision." And we'll see what happens.
This ended up being way more about me than about the mom from Joe's preschool. But hey, the power of blogging -- I feel more settled. I'll keep you posted.
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