The Boob Nazis

It was the angry comments following a Chez Miscarriage post that inspired my first post about breastfeeding, and the angry comments following a more recent entry are the impetus for this one.  Specifically, it's the nazi epithet that gets me going. 

It seems like any mention of breastfeeding in non-crunchy quarters evokes cries of "Nazis!" within about 20 seconds.  And the part of me with an interest in semantics can appreciate that the word has more than one definition these days, that it has come to mean "person who is irritatingly overbearing" rather than "overseer of genocide."  But most of me, having poured heart and soul (not to mention time and energy and money and creativity) into helping mothers breastfeed, flinches every time.  Which means a lot of flinching.

There were some really good comments in response to the Chez Miscarriage post, but it bothers me to think of people reading misinformation in the first 65 comments and not wading through the remaining hundred to find out more.  So I'm posting here instead on how much I hate to read about boob nazis. Or nipple nazis. Or La Leche nazis.

La Leche League takes a lot of heat for being radical and militant.  You'd think there were billboards around the Schaumburg office trumpeting, Never give your baby a bottle!  Nurse until age 6!  But LLL is not radical on breastfeeding.  It was radical in the 1950s, when exclusive breastfeeding for six months was widely thought to be as unworkable an idea as desegregated schools.  That was fifty years ago.  Times have changed.

LLL gets occasional criticism from some breastfeeding activists because its positions are fairly moderate.  LLL says, "Breast milk is the superior infant food" -- not, as many lactivists prefer, "human milk is the norm for human babies and formula is inferior."  On weaning, LLL says, "Ideally, the breastfeeding relationship will continue until the baby outgrows the need."  Not the want, but the need; not the child, but the baby.  There's no mention of age, and right off the bat they acknowledge that it's an ideal.  That's a pretty sharp contrast to the popular stereotype of "do it for five years and we'll give you a gold watch."  (LLL's views on a baby's need for the mother's presence may seem radical today; ironically, that was probably pretty mainstream in the 1950s.)

One Chez Miscarriage commenter was particularly angry about "those commercials LLL made with pregnant women riding mechanical bulls," the ones, supposedly, that the AAP wouldn't endorse because they were too far out there.  Three things in response to that:  first, even if LLL had the budget to make slick commercials for national broadcast, they wouldn't use risk-oriented language; that's just not their angle.  Those commercials were made by the Ad Council in consultation with the US Department of Health and Human Services, based on research into approaches that would motivate people to see breastfeeding as important and not just as a nice perk to squeeze in between Kindermusik and baby massage classes.  Second, the AAP's president raised questions about the ad campaign after formula company lobbying, over the protests of the AAP's breastfeeding division.  You can get the scoop here, but the nutshell version is that it had more to do with formula company execs saying to the AAP, "Hey, remember that chunk of cash we gave you last year?" than with AAP higher-ups realizing, "Oh, yeah, the confidence level in this study was only p=.005, not p=.001."

And third:  why is there so little discussion about the message of the commercials and so much focus on the evils of stating that babies should breastfeed?  A whole lot of American women are obsessing about their pregnancies, feeling guilty about tiny risks.  Folic acid supplementation affects less than one baby in a thousand, and yet how many women freak out about getting pregnant when they're not taking it?  There was a discussion at Leery Polyp about risk-taking in pregnancy in which soft cheese came up repeatedly.  But pasteurized cheese, soft or not, is simply not a vector for listeria.  Sane women in this country are religiously avoiding a substance that poses no risk to their unborn babies, and getting angry about hearing that formula does present quantifiable risks to children after they're born.

Raising children involves risk, make no mistake.  It was risky for me to let my 5yo climb trees on Tuesday, risky for me not to insist that he get out his helmet today to ride his bike.  It's risky to put him in the bathtub, for Pete's sake.  One of the painful bits of motherhood is weighing the risks.  Not everyone is going to be able to breastfeed; some mothers who are able to do so will decide it's not for them.  But can't we have an honest conversation about what's at stake without calling anybody a nazi?

When I am not busy flinching, I am always curious about what has happened when women feel slammed about feeding choices.  I have met a couple of alarming LLL Leaders, and I'm sure they do some damage.  But by and large the LLL Leaders I know are compassionate women working hard to support mothers.  They are volunteers with families, and if you call them when a toddler has just emptied the mustard jar all over the dog you may get a garbled answer to your question.  Probably, though, you will get reasonably current information presented with best wishes for you and your baby.  For free.  How many women can say that after they contact their doctors' offices with breastfeeding questions?

Sometimes I wonder if LLL and its Leaders are catching the flak for statements made by mothers who come to meetings and say outrageous things.  If you go to a meeting for the first time and the Leader says calm, temperate things while a visiting mom complains that her in-laws wouldn't eat placenta stew or breastmilk yogurt, what story are you going to tell about the day you checked out LLL?  And yet it is virtually certain that the Leader, LLL's actual representative at the meeting, is as startled as anyone, and is scrambling to find a good response that gets the meeting back on course without leaving the mother feeling more frustrated.  (Perhaps, "My! That menu gives new meaning to 'made by mom'!")

The thing about running open support groups is that you attract people who need support -- sometimes more support than you can give them.  I've been leading groups of various kinds since college, and it's often a struggle to juggle everybody's needs.  I used to lead a Bible study attended by a high-functioning autistic man.  Of course I wanted him to feel safe and welcome, but some nights I wanted to pick up my Bible and whack him on the head with it when he went off on yet another weird tangent.  (The sword of the Spirit becomes a blunt instrument.  Charity, thy name is not Jamie.)  Recently I was talking with a friend who is an LLL Leader about a frustrating situation she is dealing with in the group she leads, a mom who means well but who can be terribly tactless.  How many mothers have left meetings feeling affronted by this woman's comments?  At what point does the Leader say, "Stay home, please," to the problem mom who has not responded to requests that she tone it down?  It's awfully hard to gauge.

LLL's focus is mother-to-mother support.  Sometimes that's a magical thing -- I've seen meetings where a teary-eyed mother comes in saying, "I just can't do this for one more day," and the woman next to her says, "Oh, I felt that way in January -- what's going on?"  Another woman says, "Have you tried...?" and a fourth says, "Hey, this is what worked for us."  As the meeting is ending a fifth woman says, "Want to come over for coffee?" and a year later the formerly teary-eyed mother is there with her nursing toddler, saying, "You know, the first weeks were miserable for us too but it got so much better."  And that's how it's meant to be, I think, with more experienced mothers saying to newer mothers, "Yes, it can be awful, so let us help you through the rough spots."  But much of mother-to-mother support depends on the mix of mothers doing the supporting.  It's not always magical.  Or maybe it's magical in a Wicked-Witch-of-the-Breast-complete-with-evil-flying-monkeys kind of way and not in a Glinda-the-Good-you-know-the-way-home-Dorothy kind of way.

I have some sympathy for the absolutists because there is a comforting (if misguided) certainty in absolutism and motherhood is the most terrifyingly uncertain thing I have ever done.  I would love to find a secret formula (no pun intended) to ensure (ha!) that my kids will grow up to be holy, happy, healthy men who send flowers to their mother on her birthday.  (Ivory roses, please.  And on my gravestone, boys, how about "The Most Extraordinary Mother Anyone Could Hope To Have"?)  But even now, with my 8yo, sometimes I want to say, "You know, I cleaned your butt without complaining for four long years, pal, so can you cut me some slack already?"  When he was a baby, I wanted to be the über-Sears mom because I wanted him to feel loved and secure.  What a rude shock it was to see that I could carry him in the sling until my pectoral girdle had permanent slingprints, only to watch him knock over smaller children with glee as soon as I set him down.  (At a La Leche League meeting, no less.)  How sharper than a serpent's tooth indeed.  Hadn't he read the part about how he was supposed to be loving and gentle because of my loving gentle mothering?

And I know this is the easy part.  The stakes get higher.  A woman I know is struggling to deal with a drug-addicted daughter and it is wrenching just watching from the sidelines.  I can't even let myself think about all the things that might go wrong in my children's lives or I would just have to flop forlornly on the floor, felled by those fearsome feelings of futility.  My firstborn mostly beat the absolutism out of me with his will of iron and his struggles with aggression, but I can easily imagine that if I had had a docile, compliant child instead I would have given the credit to the Sears plan.  Or the Weissbluth plan or the Ezzo plan, if I had stumbled across them first.  It would be nice to have a Plan to take the edge off the biting uncertainty that is raising children.

I'm tempted to wonder why it's rare to read complaints about "sleep nazis" or "schedule nazis," given that there are a whole lot more "thou shalt nots" coming from Gary Ezzo or Tracy Hogg than there are to be found in most of the books I own on breastfeeding.  But it would be a counterproductive wondering (more namecalling is not the desired outcome), so I won't even start.  My point here is simple, really:  motherhood is a tough gig.  No matter what choices you make in your fervent hope to do the right thing by your kids, you leave some people scratching their heads and others pointing their fingers.  It isn't easy for any of us.  Can't we be kind to each other?

Comments

[Tiffany]

Hear, Hear! I have often felt similarly, though never expressed it half as well. Thanks for another great post!

[Drama Queen]

I just have to say, this is a fabulous post. You have collected in one place much of what I've said over the years.

Oh, I could go on forever in this space, but what it comes down to is, "I agree."

Thanks SO much for posting this.

[Laurie]

Yes, motherhood is tough, and i'm not even one yet. There are no 'zleep nazis' or 'schedule nazis' because those are things that typically take place in the home. I'm definitely pro-breastfeeding, but since when is it anyone else's business? I have seen women accosted in malls for giving bottles- by men! How and what to feed a child should be a decision made by the parents, not anyone else. And no one should make a mother feel bad about her choice, or berate her, or tell her she's poisoning her child. And conversely, women should be able to breastfeed wherever they damn well please- that is what a breast is for. Basically as long as a child is not starving, no one outside of the parents (and maybe the doctor) should give a good damn how it is getting nutrition.

[Tracy]

You have said it here - what I wish I knew how to say in one post. Thank you.

[Jane]

Thank you for this. I wish mothers wouldn't turn against one another so much, or at least I wish we could listen to one another and support one another. Half the time it seems like moms are too busy competing to have the best kid to actually parent their kids.

[Amie]

Great post!

[Soper]

Sigh.

I want to breastfeed. I want to wear a sling and go barefoot and pop out my breasts at my baby's slightest provocation. I'd give up shaving my legs, too, but my husband says that is non-negotiable.

But I can't breastfeed -- I'm adopting a six to twelve month old. I _have_ to use formula, because there is no way I can produce enough milk taking hormones (which there is no way I would take, anyway).

I think part of the reaction to the LLL is a feeling that women who don't breastfeed are being judged. Thank you for pointing out that this is not the intent of the organization, even if some people have run into the occasional "bad seed" along the way. I agree that people should be less emotional and more rational when discussing EVERY topic, but what can you do?

Thanks again.

[Chantal]

Fantastic post. You've said so eloquently what has been on my mind since reading many of the same posts you mentioned.

Yes, there are rabid LLL members, but not many (if any) are Leaders specifically. Alot goes into becoming a LLL Leader and those who across the board judge and impose guilt are not up to the task, IMO.

After doing two breastfeeding counsels last week, I got a call this morning from one Mom. She said "I gave up Friday." and she started to cry. My first words were "No guilt." and we continued to talk more about her son and what we can do about his extreme colic etc... I'm sad that she feels so much guilt and a bit miffed at the misinformation she received from her doctor, but I am not going to push her down further by getting into any of that.

It hurt to be referred to as a "Nazi" and put me immediately on the defensive about my choice and what feeding method I support. Thank you for bringing me back and reminding me why I do what I do (and how I do it!)

[Jody]

Brava.

[MySelf]

Echo: Brava.

And Chantal -- your story made me cry. "No guilt." I cried again just now typing it. I wish to heaven a lactation person had said that to me. Thankfully, my mother said it, and my husband did. God bless you in your work (and you, too, Gladly).

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

Bravo!

[Lauren]

Whenever a person is confronted with behavior they feel guilty about concious or otherwise, whether it is praying or breastfeeding or having more children attending church , they have a big furious reaction. What's new there?

It saves them the trouble of doing the hard work.

[Sarah]

Beautifully said. I absolutly abhor the use of thw word Nazi in any context other than historical. I'd like to start a movement to get that out of the common lexicon.

Sarah

[Laura]

Well said!

I am a mom who chose to breastfeed my babies when it was still considered a little wierd. It delights me to see people beginning to recognize the benefits to both mother and babe, but I'm horrified to hear that some misguided folk think they have the right to harass people about how and when they feed their babies. Please continue to speak out against this kind of arrogance, you are a gifted writer and will have a far greater effect than you will ever really know.

[AmyinMotown]

As someone who has thrown around that particular n-word (but won't anymore--you're not the first to express hurt at the Nazi comparision and while it's meant in jest, I acknowledge the validity of your point and don't want to hurt any feelings), here's why I did.
It's the utter smugness of so many of these mothers. I just feel like saying, "People, it's JUST breastfeeding. Get over yourself." I am doing it, and I love it, and I think it's the best thing for my daughter. Anyone who overcame major obstacles to establish a good breatsfeeding rlationship ought to be proud, and of course there's pride in nourishing your baby from your own body (I adore every roll on Maggie's little body because my milk put it there!). But I am so tired of the people who have to announce with great smugness that they breastfed for along period of time, cosleep, babywear, stay home and so forth. I wonder how insecure these people must be with their parenting. I do many of those things and manage not to tout it to the universe as if I am Mother Superior for just doing what feels right TO ME, and one of the major reasons I like your blog (and miss reading it as much as I used to!) is that you are happily crunchy as the day is long and can write about your life without making it sounds like "I am the Best Mother Ever and anyone who doesn't mother exactly as I do hates their children." That's the feeling I get from most "lactivist" types, that any deviation from the "breastfeed until your child can drive and put it above ANY of your needs like sleep or two mintes peace" party line, like having my husband give a bottle once a day or giving a pacifier, is incredibly negligent mothering.

[Gail]

To the mom adopting - you can breastfeed without taking hormones. Breasts are so amazing, until menopause they are ready to make milk even if the woman has not been pregnant. Many women nursing their adopted baby make enough to exclusively breastfeed. Any breastmilk is better than none. Consider giving breastfeeding a chance. If you don't want to breastfeed, you could get human milk from a milk bank.