This week I've been roughing out another post on breastfeeding in my head because nursing in public has been in the news. There's a push to get Starbucks to welcome breastfeeding; there's a new law protecting public breastfeeding in Illinois. And as always, in response there are snarky columnists bemoaning the existence of nursing babies who don't know that they are only supposed to do that in private. Because maybe breastmilk is good for babies but don't these women know that it comes from their -- sshhh! -- breasts, which God intended to be covered at all times unless they are wearing skimpy tank tops? And don't people know that the next thing these breastfeeding nuts will demand is the right to defecate and copulate in public? I mean, really, can't everyone see that peaceful nursing babies mean it's hell-in-a-handbasket time for the nation?
Oh, dear. Lie down with snarks, get up with boojums.
But that is the point at which my patience evaporates: when a mother and a nursling are accosted by a person unwilling to shift his gaze six inches from something that makes him uncomfortable. That's the point where I say, Enough. You are free to make your own decisions about how to feed your own babies. But so am I; so is every other mother you see. Don't make nursing more difficult than it already is in this culture. In my mental rough draft I had one thing to say to vocal opponents of public nursing and it was this:
Get over it.
And then today I took my children to the art museum.
About halfway into the trip the train stopped for a bit while they looked into a minor mechanical problem. Joe said, "Nuss dain" [nurse on the train] and I obliged. A few minutes later the woman sitting across from me, the woman who had warmly answered Marty's question about a locked compartment on the train not fifteen minutes before, said, "I just want you to know that what you're doing is offensive to everyone sitting in front of you." She was sitting next to a couple who might have been in their late fifties or early sixties. They did not look at me or speak to me for the rest of the time they rode the train.
I was deeply uncomfortable wth public nursing as a first-time mother. I remember being out with Alex when he was tiny tiny, thinking, "I am about to bare my breast in public so my son can suck on my nipple. This is weird." I remember feeling so awkward at church, so distracted at the thought of having accidentally flashed my neighbor in the pew that I couldn't concentrate on the mass. I practiced in front of my bedroom mirror to learn how to be discreet. Seven years and several thousand nursings later, I'm in a much different spot. If Joe needs to nurse, I rarely think twice about it.
Before today I had imagined conflicts over public nursings, but no one had ever confronted me. In more than seven years there had been a couple of dirty looks and unpleasant asides (as if I were deaf because I was lactating), and that's it. In my imaginings I had considered the evasive route ("He'll be done in a minute") and the confrontational route ("The law in this state protects public breastfeeding. If you have a problem with the law, call your legislator.") What came out of my mouth surprised me.
I said, "Can you tell me why it offends you?"
She answered immediately, with visible distaste: "That you would do that in front of a man."
"But I'm covered up. There's nothing showing. Just the idea bothers you?"
She said she didn't understand why I started nursing him. He wasn't crying, she said. Why would I see a need to nurse him?
I told her that he had asked me quietly, and that I had said yes in part because nursing is one way to keep a bored child occupied for ten minutes -- so he does not become an unhappy disruptive child while they are fixing the train's door. We talked for a few minutes more and I said, "You know, it surprises me that you would be so direct about this. I've been on public transit when people are swearing a blue streak and nobody says, Hey, there are kids here -- watch your language. Sometimes people smoke on the train and nobody says anything about it. You must feel very strongly about this to say something to me."
At this point, with the repair attempt having been abandoned, the car began to fill up with passengers. Because of the people in between us I could not hear what she said in reply. I asked her to repeat it and still I could not understand. I wish I knew: what is it about nursing that some people find more offensive than nose-picking or extravagant streams of obscenity or any of the other public behaviors that we may find grating but do not address? (Maybe I look more approachable than your average font of obscenity. That started out as a joke, but maybe there's some truth to it: maybe it happens because most breastfeeding mothers are young-ish women.)
A half-dozen stops later the crowd thinned out and I picked up the conversation again. "Do you mind if I ask you another question? Does it bother you more because of my son's age?" She said yeah, she would mind less if he were an infant. Bottom line, she said, is that it's okay if you want to nurse your kids, but it ought to be private. Every time.
I felt like we hadn't made much progress toward common ground. I didn't apologize for offending her, and I didn't stop nursing my son. She was still definite that nursing should happen in private. But she smiled at Joe, who had fallen asleep despite the noise, and asked me kindly if I needed help getting the double stroller and the sleeping toddler off the train safely. And then she said the most surprising thing of all. She said, "I kind of commend you for doing that, as a woman."
We were almost at our stop and so I spoke quickly. I said, "Once I heard an anthropologist say that in most parts of the world breasts are viewed like elbows. They have a job to do and nobody pays attention if they're exposed while they're doing it. I don't feel like I'm doing anything commendable nursing my son when he needs it -- I'm just being the mom, just doing my job." I said, "Thanks for talking with me." We got off the train.
An hour later I was still shaking amid the Zurbaráns, still running back over the conversation in my mind. I thought to myself, "Why am I still shaking? I was respectful to the woman and true to myself. What's going on here?" Tonight, back at home, I am thinking of our society's resistance to breastfeeding as an old stone wall. This afternoon I took a sledgehammer and swung it at the wall. I wasn't expecting it to jar my arms that way. But maybe there is a crack in the wall that wasn't there this morning.
I remain unhappy about writers who use their columns to spread ill will about breastfeeding. I won't bother to link to the two I read this week; there's no shortage of examples if you're curious. It seems almost as strange to me to see a mainstream US newspaper condemning public breastfeeding as shameful as it would to see a mainstream US newspaper contending that any decent woman should wear a burqa. (And how weird is it that many burqa-wearing women live in cultures where they get less flak about public breastfeeding than American women do?) If I could talk to these writers I would say three things (excluding "do you really believe the tripe you sneaked past your editor this week or are you both getting a kickback from Mead Johnson?" -- which I am too polite to ask):
1) Breastfeeding matters. Even in the developed world, babies who don't get their mothers' milk are more likely to get sick and die than babies who do. For many illnesses the difference is dose-related, so that babies who are fully bottle-fed are less healthy than babies who are partially bottle-fed, who are less healthy than exclusively breastfed babies. For a baby at risk, just one bottle can make a difference. In addition to the article on mortality rates linked above, there are links on morbidity in these posts.
2) The sexual function of breasts, which seems to be the reason why so many people get their knickers in a twist about breastfeeding, is an overlay function. Just as your larynx is primarily there to protect your airway, with a pleasant bonus being that it allows you to sing Bach's Coffee Cantata, breasts exist, from a biological perspective, chiefly for lactation. The fact that many couples find other things to appreciate about breasts should not eclipse their primary function, any more than women should wear earmuffs at all times in public because some couples find the earlobe to be an erogenous zone.
3) Human babies are designed to feed frequently. Denying them the right to nurse in public means either that you deprive them of the food they were meant to have (and please don't suggest expressing milk for outings unless you have happy memories of cozying up to a pump yourself) or that you sentence their mothers to housebound isolation.
To oppose public breastfeeding is to oppose improved public health. I'm willing to listen to objections with an open mind, but I think you need awfully compelling reasons to demand that another woman modify her behavior -- particularly if you're suggesting an alternative which is worse for her baby's health.
Before my conversation on the train today I was trying to think what might flash through the mind of an OOPS (Opponent Of Public Suckling) when he watched a baby at the breast. Maybe, "That woman is helping her child reach his full cognitive potential! In public! How could she?" Or, "I can't believe it -- there's more optimal neurological maturation happening over there. The shame!" Perhaps, "There's another kid who's going to have a normal-sized thymus gland.* Shock! Horror!"
I don't think sarcasm would have taken me very far with the woman on the train today, though. And maybe that's where I'd like to leave things tonight: if you're squeamish about public breastfeeding, I'd be glad to listen to the reasons why. I may not agree, but I'm willing to listen. If you happen to be a writer reading this, I hope I can encourage you to write carefully about breastfeeding, to remember that infant feeding choices can have a lifelong health impact.
Wouldn't it be amazing if there was never another comparison between breastfeeding and public urination? Wouldn't it be fabulous if there were no more sweeping misinformed statements à la John Morgan, the defenestrated former etiquette columnist for The Times of London, who opined, "It is bad manners to expel any liquid from any orifice in public and breast-feeding (sic) is no different"? Wouldn't it be great if every columnist who ever snarked about public breastfeeding decided to devote his or her energies to ending illicit smoking on public transportation instead?
I can always dream.
___________
*A 1999 study cited in Jan Riordan's Breastfeeding and Human Lactation found that formula-fed children had thymus glands half the size of those of their exclusively breastfed counterparts, which may have repercussions for immune function.
I have four children, three of whom I breastfed. That said, I am only uncomfortable with public nursing if the mother is indiscreet. (Please note I am not saying that you are indiscreet, just answering your query as to what offends me about public nursing). It's okay with me as long as her breast is covered by more than just her baby's mouth. Wouldn't you be offended if a young, childless woman lifted her shirt and exposed her breasts (however briefly) while sitting across from you and your husband? Not to mention said young woman could be cited for public indecency. Breast-feeding women who don't think twice about exposing themselves really get on my nerves. It's not somehow more appropriate to be naked in public because you are nursing. I agree that nursing should in no way be compared to urination, but comparing breasts to earlobes is also taking it a bit far. Breasts, at least as viewed in our culture, are first and foremost sexual. You don't see too many women having their earlobes enlarged in order to attract the opposite sex. Lactation shouldn't be an excuse for immodesty. Feed your sweet little one, but keep your nipples out of sight--I know from experience that it's really not that difficult. Just my $0.02. God bless you.
Posted by: Denise | August 21, 2004 at 02:10 AM
Thanks for your comments, Denise.
It's a priority for me to make sure my shirt covers me when I'm nursing in public, but it no longer throws me if a woman makes different choices. This article from Mothering really made me think when I first read it:
http://www.mothering.com/12-0-0/html/12-1-0/bashful-brazen.shtml
It's not my own approach at all, but I hear where she's coming from.
Posted by: Jamie | August 21, 2004 at 06:22 AM
The way I look at it you were damned if you did, and damned if you didn't. You obliged your son and kept him happy and content by nursing him- for shame, you bad mother! Or you didn't, because nursing in public is disgusting and wrong, and he cried for the rest of the trip- for shame, you bad mother!
Posted by: verbena | August 21, 2004 at 09:10 AM
Congratulations! I think you handled that situation like a champ!
Frankly, I'd much rather see a mom breastfeeding her baby, even if she doesn't have the discreet thing down yet, than to see these girls in their string bikinis and thong bottoms. And I disagree with Denise, breasts were made primarily for lactation. Maybe if more moms nursed the over-sexualization of the Pamela Anderson Breast model would disappear.
Posted by: Elena | August 21, 2004 at 10:46 AM
Just to clarify, Elena, I didn't say breasts were *made* primarily for sexual purposes, but that they are primarily viewed that way in our culture. I don't think that is how it should be, just how it is. And I find scantily clad women more offensive than breast-baring nursing moms. I'm on the same side here, I just think breast-feeding moms should respect the modesty of others, the same as they want others to respect their right to feed their child.
Blessings to all you loving mommas.
Posted by: Denise | August 21, 2004 at 11:56 AM
I'm just sqeamish enough about a bared nipple to avert my eyes. I suppose if I were in a neck brace or whatnot I might be offended
But I want to commend you on taking the tired and worn "Wall" cliche and making it your own by adding the image of "jarring your arms" to explain your tremors an hour after the fact. It was a very creative rescue of a cliche, something very rarely done in this day and age.
Posted by: Franklin Jennings | August 21, 2004 at 01:56 PM
You know, in my experience it takes a long time to get that discreet nursing skill down to a science. In fact, my son and I are just getting it down now and he's in the second half of his first year. The baby blanket/tent never worked for me because, really, I need to see what I'm doing.
As much as I strive for modesty (and a comfortable, out-of-the-way armchair), with my large breasts and squirmy baby, sometimes it just doesn't happen as perfectly as I'd like. I really wish people would just give each other a break. I mean, we're all adults, right? Can't we have the maturity to realize that when you latch on a hungry baby for the millionth time to your over-worked breast that sex is about the last thing on your mind? For crying out loud, I can barely get my HUSBAND to think about sex when he sees my breasts anymore! :) We call my breast my "Working Girls" now because they feel like the unsexiest thing ever these days.
Well, I realize that I'm rabbitting on a bit here, but I just wanted to share some disjointed thoughts.
Posted by: Sarah | August 21, 2004 at 05:59 PM
I'm with Sarah. I consider myself a discreet nurser -- I own lots of nursing tops b/c I'm more comfortable with multiple layers for maximum coverage, and I certainly don't just "let it all hang out." However, the reality of feeding a real live wiggly distract-able baby is that the nipple is sometimes exposed, for a moment or two. And it's no big deal. To me, it's no more of a faux pax than a bra strap that peeks out from a tank top or blouse.
Blankets and other tent-like covers work for some nursing pairs, but theyr'e hot and easily batted or grabbed away. They've never worked for us.
And while I'm still getting comfortable with nursing an older baby/toddler in public (my son is 14 months old), I think it's a good thing if it makes toddler nursing seem more common and normal.
And I hope that if I'm ever confronted about it by a stranger as you were, Jamie, that I will have the grace and presence of mind that you did to respond calmly and rationally. I suspect that I would be angry and defensive, however...
Posted by: Veronica | August 21, 2004 at 08:41 PM
Oh, and in many states, a woman is explicitly protected in the law from being charged with any kind of indecency for breastfeeding in public. Even in those states without explicit legal sanction, the law generally permits breastfeeding in public.
Which to me expresses the attitude that people should take about this: it's not sexual, it's about feeding children, and give the mothers the benefit of the doubt for gosh sakes.
And even the women I've known or seen who eschew bras and lift up their non-nursing t-shirts in order to breastfeed aren't nearly as exhibitionist or brazen as the women who wear rhinestone-bedecked thongs to display above their super-low-cut jeans.
Though I may flash my nipples here and there in public, I still consider myself more modest than most women of childbearing age. Of course, I live in Los Angeles...
Posted by: Veronica | August 21, 2004 at 08:49 PM
I've been on public transit when people are swearing a blue streak and nobody says, Hey, there are kids here -- watch your language. Sometimes people smoke on the train and nobody says anything about it.
An excellent point. The Modesty-and-Decorum Police needs to go out and catch some real criminals.
Posted by: Peony Moss | August 22, 2004 at 08:01 AM
Peony,
I agree that is a good point. I'm not sure if you're referring to me when you say "Modesty and Decorum Police" (I am the one pushing modesty in these comments), but I want to reassure you that my "Say No to Swearing and Smoking" badge is pinned right next to my "Don't Show your Nipples in Public" badge. I didn't mention it here because Jamie's question was regarding public breastfeeding, not generally offensive behavior exhibited by those riding a train.
Posted by: Denise | August 22, 2004 at 01:09 PM
Wow. That is the best writing on this topic I have read in a loooong time!
I love your blog, however it is getting a bit spooky b/c I have established astonishing similarities--Redhead with computer weekness who just tonight was going to resub to Flylady and loves birks and granola but is a social conservative and is intending to homeschool and really likes the selkie myth so much that I was thinking of using it in a business name. Whew! To my relief, though, I have established that we are indeed not the same person, as you are Catholic (I'm Anglican) your thirtysomething, I'm twentysomething, and you are much more eloquent and hilarious than I am (I tend to stumble over my words and take things too seriously)
Anyhow, don't know the point of that.
Posted by: Tiffany | August 22, 2004 at 07:49 PM
I know this is off the subject but can I add you to my reads? Um, I breastfed both of my children and the only thing that bothered me is even when you are discreet in public people still look at you like you are a weirdo oh well, my babies got a really healthy start and i am so glad i made the decision to do that for them. God bless! :-)
Posted by: meesh | August 23, 2004 at 07:32 AM
Hi there,
I stumbled across your blog and really enjoy it. You seem like my kind of person.
You asked for opinions so I may as well give mine. :) Let me preface this by saying that I have no kids and are very rarely among those with kids.
What makes me uncomfortable about breastfeeding? Basically, I do not want to see nipples. I was in a department store a while back and a woman was walking around with her shirt pulled up around her neck, carrying the baby who was nursing, and nonchalantly getting on the escalator. I don't know, I just don't want to be surprised like that.
Also I am somewhat uncomfortable with babies over, say, the age of 1 nursing. I can't put my finger on *why* though, to be honest with you. Something about the baby being able to ask in words for food just gives me the willies. Again, not sure why.
As for the "public urination" thing, I think that where that comes from is that some breastfeeding advocates just repeat "but it's a natural function" and the reply is "well, so is urinating, but I don't want to see that, either!"
I guess it comes down to discretion, as mentioned above. And respect, respect for the people who are uncomfortable with it.
All that said, I don't want to see the thong and the jewelled bikini, either.
Also, I'm glad you responded so positively to the woman who was, in my opinion, pretty rude to you. Perhaps with open dialogue like this, people can reach a common ground on issues like these. Thank you for soliciting our opinions!
Posted by: Mary | August 23, 2004 at 02:48 PM
Denise -- no, I did not mean you specifically, I was thinking of the woman on the train and others like her.
There are all kinds of things that we do in public -- eating, drinking, speaking on a cell phone, caring for babies -- and there are polite ways to do those things. Similarly, I think it's polite for a nursing mother to avoid needless exposure, using whatever means work best for her.
But if something slips, something slips, and I don't think moms should have to worry about it. My concern is that edicts like "ALWAYS USE A BLANKET" or "NO NIPPLES" do more harm than good in that they needlessly terrify new mothers who are worried that they're going to be publicly chastised if they make a fumble, or discourage women who might breastfeed because they think they'll have to pump milk or leave the baby at home if they want to go out for a latte. I have never seen any nursing mother casually expose her entire breast in public, but I have met and known mothers who stayed home for months, or thought their only alternatives were bottles or seclusion.
It's highly unusual for adults to criticize the manners of other adults, particularly strangers. I've never seen someone just go up to another diner at a restaurant and say, you know, you really need to chew with your mouth closed, you are grossing out the entire restaurant or those scanty clothes are really inappropriate or your coarse language is offending everyone within earshot or even please stop speaking so loudly on your cell phone? Today I witnessed a revolting act of public expectoration in a grocery store, but I didn't run up and correct the man or storm off to the manager's office -- I just averted my eyes.
And yet some people think it's perfectly okay -- that it's their duty somehow -- to walk up and berate a nursing mother, even a nursing mother who is fully covered and sitting in an inconspicuous place, or to huff off to management and demand she be removed. If the Decorum Militia want to make my world a nicer place, they can start by targeting pornographic ads and coarse language and people who spit in public. Nursing moms whose sense of modesty differs from mine are hardly a threat to public morals.
Posted by: Peony Moss | August 23, 2004 at 03:17 PM
When my dd was only about 2 months old, I was nursing her in a campus computer lab/learning center. There was a table a short distance away with two girls and a guy talking and pretending to study. Amariyah started crying and I started to feed her. The two girls gave me dirty looks and started talking loudly about how disgusting that was. I started to turn red and get embarassed, but then realized I should be getting upset instead. Then, a wonderful thing happend. The GUY spoke up and said there was nothing wrong with it--not only that, but that he would rather see a breastfed baby than a crying one or even one with a bottle. He talked about the health benifits for the child and the mother and told the girls that he hoped when they had kids, they would not only chose to breastfeed, but that they would be as comfortable doing it in public as I was. I wanted to hug him, but all I did was smile. It's so nice to see/hear a well informed person, more rarely a well informed guy.
dd- 7-31-03 and still bfing!
Posted by: mermomma | August 24, 2004 at 08:32 AM
I totally agree with everything you said, Peony. My issue is more with the women who make no effort to be modest, like Mary's comment above described. If it is obvious that a woman is trying to be discreet, I don't hold it against her if she unintentionally reveals too much of her breast. Instead I would offer to help her arrange the blanket around herself, or be a temporary human screen while she gets her baby to latch on.
Thanks for hosting this discussion, Jamie. I enjoyed it. :-)
Posted by: Denise | August 24, 2004 at 12:31 PM
Thanks to everybody for an interesting and peaceful discussion -- I was a little worried about where comments on this post might go! Thanks too for your encouraging comments about the blog. I'm still getting the hang of blogging and I appreciate your feedback.
Posted by: Jamie | August 24, 2004 at 10:21 PM
I so enjoy reading your blog. I, too, think the name is perfect.
I am a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, Teva-wearing, conservative-christian mom to 3 boys, ages 9, 6 and 3, who go to Catholic school, and a baby girl. I experienced 4 miscarriages in 2002 before conceiving and carrying my 5 month old daughter to term. I am also a registered L&D nurse.
I just wrote on my blog about an issue I had this week about nursing a toddler. You handled your situation so wonderfully. I am in touch with the emotion of feeling the tremors for hours afterward.
Jody
Posted by: Jody | August 28, 2004 at 08:55 AM
I am a homeschooling mom to 3 kids, the youngest of whom is six-months old, and of course (!) nursing. I am also a new Catholic, having come into the church at Easter. My baby was born in February, at which time I was still in RCIA and sitting in the VERY FRONT PEW on Sundays with the rest of the group. Well, a hungry baby has no idea that we are in the middle of mass. I too, needed to see what I was doing and decided that I would just have to do it. So I did. No one said a word! I really expected them to say something about it being a church and all, at which point I would mention that it was God Himself who made the milk to come out of my breasts and God Himself who gave me a hungry baby. Luckily, I was spared. I have looked for those articles against public breastfeeding and have had a hard time. I can pray that it's a sign of change. The more of us who keep doing it, the better it will be.
Oh, and I'm big on modesty. I don't wear tight skimpy clothes, and I'm very particular about what my children are allowed to wear. That said, I have ABSOLUTELY no intention of worrying about modesty when I nurse. At what point do the other people have the responsiblity to look away if it's something they don't want to see? Come on! And I'm VERY conservative.
Posted by: Anne | September 09, 2004 at 06:59 PM
This post is quite old (but I do love reading your archives!) but I just had to comment:
- I definitely think that breastfeeding moms get significantly more negative comments because they are women, and even moreso generally younger women. People thus feel more comfortable calling them on (supposedly) inappropriate behaviour since the power dynamic is already working against the mom.
- re:" John Morgan, the defenestrated former etiquette columnist for The Times of London, who opined, "It is bad manners to expel any liquid from any orifice in public and breast-feeding (sic) is no different""
I wonder if he's ever sneezed in public? heh.
Love the blog. :-) All the best!
Posted by: parodie | September 14, 2005 at 07:53 PM