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September 07, 2017

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I am not sure I would get along with outrage person. Not sure what I would do about the sleepover, but yeesh. i am with you. Love the part about adult-like expectations! I strive for that as well!

Off to read a Kindle impulse purchase book that I may have bought late at night!

Adult-Like Expectations may be my new favorite phrase. I also would not get along with Outrage either. We have similar rules regarding technology and I would hope others would as well in the world we live in.

Phones stay in my bedroom at night and we have Circle which cuts off all internet access to computers/phones at 9 pm. I love Circle.

Re: the slumber party. I don't limit much at slumber parties. We haven't had issues. I know they might be awake and taking selfies at 2 am, but usually they're watching a movie. I've never asked other parents for their internet policy, either, because I figure it's only 1 night.

I really don't like this lady & her inconsistencies!

My sons never go to sleepovers (nor have they ever been invited, as a matter of fact) because my husband's parents never allowed him and his brothers to sleep at any friend's house that is his policy.

Friends of my older son have slept here. We don't have the cell phone policy, but we make sure our son is off his phone at bedtime. (our youngest, 13, doesn't use his phone much). We do have a strong filter for wifi, but we never take their phones to check. I am constantly talking to my kids about their internet usage. The boys are to use their phones and devices in common areas and with their bedroom doors open.

Hm. We're just now entering this age range, so I don't have much in the way of policy either. The Boy uses some tech/devices for school and fun, but it's still new territory; neither he nor most of his friends have phones (the only ones who do are the ones coordinating tricky pick-up times after school). So I'm afraid I'm no help: we're still evolving. I agree, though: nice kids make risky (or at least less productive) decisions all the time. Nobody PLANS to get into tricky situations, or to stay up all night shopping online, or whatever. Guidance is necessary. But I can't be too declarative there, because I haven't worked out exactly what "guidance" will look like as we go forward.

But I can say this: Mrs. Outrage's "he can come for bowling" reminds me an awful lot of Bilbo Baggin's second "Good Morning!" to Gandalf. ("My, what a lot of things you use 'good morning' for!")

Rather than huffing at you (and by extension, your kid), I hope I would have said, "We can work something out so that everyone feels comfortable."

Technology has made parenting more difficult, I think. I agree with your cell phone policy. We don't have one anymore (kids are 19 & 21), except at the dinner table.

Sleepovers? I don't like them. Nothing good happens after 10 pm. I would probably test the bowling experience and see how things go without the overnight.

OMG, the no-sleepover people. I can't even. Jamie, you do what is right for you, but sleepovers with friends are FUN and great bonding happens at night. A black-and-white policy isn't good for anyone. How silly.

This bit of info was buried in the screenshot, but there's some relevant history here: we dealt with weeks of nightmares for one of our older sons after he attended a sleepover. The parents allowed their 11yo to watch R-rated movies, and he thought that would be a fun thing to do at his party. Our kid just couldn't deal with the violence.

So it is just one night, but one hasty internet search can turn up stuff you'll never un-see. I remember doing a lot of dumb things at sleepovers, and I'm glad nobody captured them on video or put them on Snapchat.

Pete went bowling and came home afterward. I think the text conversation with the other mom ended on an okay note. I hope so.

Hm. I'm re-reading Outrage Mom, and I still think she came across a little abrupt and dismissive. But I wonder if that's also not an unfortunate artifact of text messages. Maybe in her head, she was THINKING something more fully-fleshed and friendly, like "If it helps, the other guests are Nice Boy and Other Nice Boy. We really would love to have Pete join us, but I understand if you're more comfortable just bowling. There will be other sleepovers, I'm sure."

It's still a little vague on policy, and it still sort of abdicates, and doesn't really do much to help you feel more secure. But maybe it was MEANT more kindly than it came across over the keyboard?

Or not. But it sounds like Pete had an OK time anyway? So that's all good. =)

We do also have a "phones (or phone--only our oldest has one yet) stay downstairs after 7:30 at night." Mostly because of how they interfere with sleep, rather than finding crazy stuff online. But I think your adult-like behavior expectations could serve the kids well at houses where other rules (or no rules) apply. I remember going to a Halloween sleepover when I was 10 when the hosting kid thought it would be fun to watch "Psycho"--which I knew I was not equipped to watch! So I read a book instead. (Didn't get up the nerve to watch that movie until my late 20s.) I'm not really sure what my point is...except that, yes, there is a chance there will be inappropriate behavior at sleepovers, but isn't it kind of a given that our kids will encounter ib at some point? And I guess my feeling is that it's better for them to practice in relatively low(er) stakes ways than, say, finding themselves at a HS party and never having to have thought about whether they really want to do whatever potentially unsafe/inappropriate thing other kids are trying...

I hate technology sometimes because it makes my job as a parent so much harder. I don't trust 12- and 13-yo boys to be responsible with unrestricted internet use and I know my own tween kid well enough to know that he does not yet have the confidence to say "I don't want to participate in that" and turn the other way. I've seen, first hand, what many "nice" young teens search on their phones when they think no one is looking and... I'm not exaggerating when I say it can be life-changing, and not in a great way.

We don't have a lot of devices- only my oldest (17) has a phone, and it stays downstairs after 11. Our 3 computers are only used in common areas. I agree with you- for a long time, common parenting read that you don't let your kid have a computer in his room... and now we hand them tiny pocket sized computers that they have on them 24/7? I don't get it.

We've evolved into a no-sleepover policy (exceptions being family) and it kind of kills me because I used to love them when I was a kid. A one-time party becomes five times a year when every other kid has a slumber party, though, and it's hard to explain why my kid can go to a slumber party at one house but not another. It's easier to just have a simple rule.

I'm still wanting to comment on this one a week later, but I've been hesitant. I fear we're all so timid about how to handle this issue that we're prone to judgment. So don't judge: We let our 13yo have his iPad in his room. We have a time cutoff for Internet (automatic at 8:30 on schoolnights, through xfinity xfi). On the weekends we turn it off. Mostly my kid is interested in gaming in the wee hours, not so much surfing online. My younger daughter's iPad has the xfi Parental Controls turned on; older son's doesn't.

I don't monitor kids' devices if they sleepover at my house, and don't expect other parents to. I expect my kid to know what he should and shouldn't be doing. Maybe that's naive of me... but's he a pretty good -and pretty cautious- kid by nature.

We discuss this issue a lot, and they discuss it at his school (they've just given middle schoolers all Chromebooks - but those are very locked down).

I'm more worried about my curious 9-yo girl and YouTube than my 13yo (though when I check, she's usually watching DIY and silly kid-made videos).

Oh, that unfortunate sleepover experience explains A LOT! My youngest WON'T watch movies, he really doesn't like it. Even when we watch together. He doesn't read too much fiction either, so I buy him tons of historical/autobiographical books as well as some age-appropriate non-fiction. I'm sure he would be upset if his friends were seeing R rated movies.

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