Ten Minutes Till Bedtime

Oh, it might not be my brightest idea to try to write this post in ten minutes. But I wanted to follow up on some of what I was saying yesterday. I just re-published a long-ago (and looong -- remember 2005, when people read 2000-word blog posts?) post about rules and legalism and modern-day pharisees. The important part for this discussion is at the beginning: I like rules. This can be a good thing. It makes me a good therapist, for one, because spotting patterns is the key to changing them. It can also, of course, be a bad thing.

I don't only get judgy in Mass; it's just that I'm most aware of the perils of judginess there. I struggle all the time with how to respond to behavior that I dislike. I mentioned a few examples in the comments, but maybe this is the best one: at our gym, there are signs in the women's locker room saying you can't bring a boy in if he's older than four. People flout this rule ALL the time. It makes me uncomfortable. Once a woman brought in a boy who was at least 10. I called her on it, because I did not want to be naked in front of her 10-year-old. She told me it was okay because he was handicapped. I said, "You should take him to the family changing rooms anyway."

Because I love rules by temperament, I tend to take them seriously. I like learning about rules; I feel embarrassed if I've inadvertently broken a rule. It can be an act of charity to say to someone, "You know, that's not how we do things here."

It can also be an act of pompous pharisaism. Worst of all, it can be an act of charity on the speaker's part that's interpreted as pompous pharisaism by the listener.

I don't think I'm the only person who's uncomfortable with bigger boys in the women's locker room. I think, in fact, that other people there are likely to appreciate it if I say, "You know, the family locker rooms are just down the hall." I think it's better for me to bring it up myself, kindly, than to involve a manager from the get-go. And yet I hate doing it. (I hate not doing it too.)

Enjoying the comments on yesterday's post so much! Thanks for your understanding there. And now to bed...

Comments

[Celeste]

A ten year old boy?! Unthinkable, and how rude to him to announce his handicap as excuse. When she said no for that reason, it's manager time. You are paying for a service you can't partake of because of her impeding you. Gah. And how does she know how her son feels about seeing naked women. It may already be arousing to him, and the situation is not under his control. Unthinkable that she won't take him to the family room or get somebody else to take him to the mens room. I bristle!!!!

[Jody]

I have never been anything but crushed and humiliated by strangers telling me I've made a mistake about public/organizational behavior. I truly believe at least 1/4th (OK, maybe 1/5th) of those people were acting from a charitable place, but in every single case, it makes me want to sink into the floor and never return to that place again. So, knowing how impossible it is for me to hear correction/admonishment from strangers, I basically just never correct or admonish others. It's not a coherent policy or a thoughtful meditation on my behavior. It's entirely emotional.

I've also noticed that the more people engage in flagrantly bad behavior, the more they seem not to want to listen to anyone telling them they should stop what they're doing. If I saw someone texting in church, or even talking on the phone: ack. I wouldn't dare say anything for fear of the nasty thing she might say back to me.

[gina]

I am judgy too...but I find I'm less judgy when I've experienced a similar situation. For me, empathy is key as to whether I judge or not. (Which I realize is unfair...)

[Bearing]

I am absolutely with you on the kids-of-opposite-gender thing. There is certainly room for some flexibility on the cutoff (up to age six or so seems ok to me) but ten is way too big and if disability is an issue I would be surprised if there were not accessible changing rooms somewhere even for adults who need an attendant.

Is it possible that the problem is unclear signage? I for one don't like the signage in our Y very much - "Family Locker Rooms" is kind of unclear, for instance. In our Y the "family" locker rooms are cramped and crowded, with only four changing rooms, in part because people do not realize they are meant for parents with kids of the opposite gender -- some people think adults are not allowed in the locker rooms labeled "Boys" and "Girls" and so you get, for example, mothers with daughters waiting in line for the four private changing rooms when the "Girls" locker room is standing empty. Really wish they would label the "Family" locker room "The Parents With Kids of the Other Gender Over Age Six Changing Room" and the Boys room "Males of All Ages Plus Female Toddlers With Their DadsAre Ok" changing room and so forth.

[Marcie]

My sisters would tell you I'm a goody-goody and follow every rule. The CFO of a rehab company (for whom I did brief contractual work) told me in an exasperated voice, "Marcie - you and your rules!" Interestingly, I was only making her aware of Medicare guidelines for billing Part A.

On the other hand, the teachers where I work consider me to be bold and actually fear for me as I dare to question district bureaucracy. And I sometimes find creative ways to bypass red tape.

[Tracy]

If there is a family changing room, I would use it. I have a big problem with our facility (not a Y, but a university gym). There isn't a family changing area or restroom. I've managed by having Robbie wait a second while I look inside and make sure everyone is decent - and then I rush him into the handicapped stall to deal with everything we have to deal with. (as in using a bathroom! - no individual rooms for that either...). He's 9 and I worry that he won't be independent enough ever for the men's room by himself. In the summer, we just go home and shower there, but what about bathrooms? (obviously I've been fretting about this one... we need to talk with the manager, I think...)