Joy

Welcome, anybody who's new, and thanks for stopping by. Thanks also to those of you who liked that last post enough to link to it. Please say hi if you're so inclined.

I have a confession: I'm often cranky in December.

Much of it is seasonal affective disorder, because the amount of sunlight in my life has a predictable effect on my brain. (I have a light box but I have trouble finding time to sit in front of it.) Some of it is seasonal expective disorder (I made that one up), arising from all these messages about what Christmas should be like for my family and me (chestnuts, sleigh rides, steaming cocoa, carefully wrapped presents that are exactly what the recipient had hoped to receive).

The idea of Advent as a penitential season, in which we reflect on the growing darkness and the coming light, speaks to my soul. This post was sparked by Linda's first comment and by a reread of a post about Santa from my old blog. (I was going to post it here but it is a little too mouth-frothy. Maybe I will edit it.) Those two things made me wonder: am I trying to spiritualize my own grumpiness? The fruit of the Spirit is still joy, even for people with SAD, even for mothers of five with untidy houses, even for dissertation writers who are feeling overwhelmed by structural equation modeling.

Today, Gaudete Sunday, I am going to set aside the cranky to the best of my ability. I steeped saffron overnight to make beautiful golden St. Lucia buns. (Does that sound like good planning? It was not. I meant to let the dough rise overnight in the fridge but was summoned to bed by a cranky baby. I left the saffron steeping instead of leaving the dough rising.) I am going to serve them to my family and pray for eyes that see the light of God in all circumstances. I am going to teach them to sing today's first reading.

And you know, it's not going to be Hallmarky. I expect they will think the buns are a little weird. They might ask for toast instead. I expect the two oldest boys will sing reluctantly, though they may be enticed into clapping their hands by the baby who loves to clap. I'm not going to stress out about their reactions, because it's harder to find joy if you're looking for approval. But I do believe there's joy here, if I will give it room to flourish.

Comments

[NCSue]

Seasonal expective disorder - I love that one. It's an easy disease to catch.

[Linda]

I hope I didn't offend you, Jamie. You are more than welcome to have SED/SAD and to dig in, own it. I am the last person to tell you that you MUST be happy or joyful - I'm much more interested in real feelings. I felt like you were telling ME that I had to feel sad, too, though, and I disagree there.

[Tall Kate]

(This is probably more appropriate to a private email than a comment, but I'm lazy: I have found admittedly low-level of SAD ameliorated a bit by large doses (2000 IU/day) of vitamin D. Worth a shot?)

[Jamie]

Oh, no, Linda, you didn't offend me; you just made me think.

Thanks for the tip, Tall Kate!

[Kristin]

Season expective disorder! Brilliant. I find that one thing that's helping me a little is to think a little more about what makes the season feel right to me, and then plan those things...and then actually take a minute to recognize that I got what I wanted/needed, even if it was busy, or came amid a flurry of everything else. Is it importnt to sing Messiah with my chorus? Heck, yes, and I did it, in spades. Is it important to begin teaching the Boy about Advent and Christmas? Yes - and so maybe we aren't doing it with the calm and concentration that I'd like...but we lit candles last night. And this year, there's a little voice in my head that's doing a better job of saying, "Wake up: this is the one of those Moments you've been hoping for, however small and fleeting. Remember it, and remember to appreciate it later on when you somebody asks you how your Advent is going."

And I love your observation: the fruit of the spirit is still joy. If my grumpiness is self-indulgent crabbitude, then I need to make sure I'm not taking the penitential seasons of Lent and Advent as excuses. Thank you for the reality check. =)

[Kristin]

Intrigued: sing today's (yesterday's) first reading?

[Laura]

I loved both of these posts, Jamie. But "old blog" is what really caught my eye. Old blog? I've only read you here....are your old archives still up? Do tell!

[kort]

...just found you (via Bonny Glen i think). love your humor and insight and faith. and that breastfeeding post linked to in the side-bar? one of the best i've ever read. i'd like to see a link to old archives as well...if they're available : )

peace keep you.

[Celeste]

I'm new here via Arwen. I confess I've thought about your last post for days. So thanks for that! Most of what I read online is not such a keeper.

I have a real problem with anyone telling me what Christmas/the season should be to me. I resent it mightily. I have my own groove and it's right for me.

You know, we have a zillion choices just to buy a tube of toothpaste. Why should there be only one correct/right/proper way to feel Christmas? I like that you find a little rigor in it that many do not see. Maybe you will always feel this way, maybe you won't. I certainly don't think you are hurting anyone, and I enjoyed the different viewpoint on it.

Looking very forward to enjoying your blog posts to come! I don't blog, but try to be an enthusiastic commenter wherever and whenever I feel moved to do so.

[Jamie]

Kristin: in college I learned a fun upbeat setting of last week's reading from Zephaniah. Can't find it online to share, though.

Old blog: I had a different blog from '04-'06. I shut it down before I went back to grad school. No archives online, sorry. I keep thinking about re-posting some pieces of it here, because I was a better blogger in those days. Haven't done it yet, though.

Kort and Celeste, thanks for stopping by. Nice to hear from you.