Musing

So I was a wreck on Wednesday evening -- weepy, irrational, overwhelmed. Thanksgiving itself was very nice; the preparation was anything but. This makes me think I need a better plan for Christmas. I will be 41 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day (or perhaps newly postpartum, though I doubt it), and I have never found a state of such advanced gravidity to be in any way sanity-enhancing. Quite the opposite, in fact. And if I've had the baby, I'm really not going to be up for hosting.

When I was dating my husband I loved his mother's relaxed approach to hospitality. The more the merrier! Surprise guests are welcome! Make yourself at home! She is from a big Milwaukee Polish family where you'd come home routinely to find your cousins kicking back on the couch watching TV. "You weren't here so we let ourselves in," they'd say. "You should buy some more beer. We drank all you had in the fridge."

I grew up in a family where you'd call the police if you came home and saw lights on in a house you left dark. And I still have some trouble with the difference in our backgrounds, those bred-in-the-bone ideas about how you act in someone else's home.

I don't mind in the slightest if you come to my house and drink all the beer. I like having people over and filling them up with good things. But honestly? It makes me uncomfortable if you rootle around in my refrigerator. I worry that I'm being unwelcoming, or at least that my in-laws perceive me as unwelcoming.

"Do not neglect hospitality," the writer to the Hebrews tells me, and I take that seriously. I want to be welcoming. Forty years from now I do not want to be a sour-faced old lady with spotless carpets and no friends. But I am awfully pregnant, and my desire to be hospitable is wrestling with a nesting instinct run amok and with my introverted tendencies.

Bottom line: if I am still pregnant at Christmas, which is likely, my in-laws will come down to take the boys back to their house for a few days. I need to find a way to make that work for all of us. I'm thinking about just serving brunch, with make-ahead eggy casseroles instead of a traditional Christmas dinner. I'm thinking about posting a sign on the door that says "Tread gently in the habitat of the Giant Nesting CJ-bird -- shoes off here please!" (We have lead-contaminated soil around our home and so we never wear shoes inside. This is my #1 nesting twitch-inducer right now -- please don't track a neurotoxin across my carpet. Is it entirely rational? No -- it's a minor hazard, not a major one, and the boys' lead levels have been within normal limits. Can I shake it? No -- I honestly cannot do it right now.)

I would love some other ideas, because I do not want to spend Christmas Eve the way I spent the night before Thanksgiving. Wacky in-law stories are also welcome.

Comments

[Laura]

In my world, I struggle with the line between being hospitable and being taken advantage of. My husband's family is often happy to let me host and do all the work, because I feel compelled to do it cheerfully and hospitably. And, like you, I want to have a welcoming home. Unfortunately, it can leave me bitter and grumpy afterwards. I am working on finding boundaries I can live with. It's an ongoing holiday challenge for me!

I thought your Thanksgiving menu sounded wonderful and your daughter will be a lucky woman to have you as her role model. Here's to hoping you get some rest this weekend!

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I am astonished at how much you are still doing, weepy though you may be! You are amazing!

The 'make-ahead' aspect is the one that myself and my family use most in these sorts of situations. My Mom's is Italian (she immigrated as a child), so my Nonna's amazing lasagna is the staple at all our celebratory meals, and it holds up AMAZINGLY WELL if frozen, then re-heated right before serving. We did that at our post-wedding brunch (after we'd all been up until 3) and my friends and my husband's familiy are STILL talking about the amazing food. Any sort of dish that can hold up the same way (or is easy and delicious) would be great. This is an extra-special Christmas with the arrival of a daughter/sister/granddaughter, so unique food (that is easy for you) should be the order of the day.

I do have to chime in with the in-law stories, too! My in-laws are from Newfoundland, the Canadian province which is astoundingly like rural Ireland (with similar accents). They both come from large, tight-knit families and have an enormous extended family. Everyone is constantly at everyone else's house, and when they all migrated to Ontario years ago they all lived on the same suburban street! And with the family still in NL, it is even crazier. When we visited last summer, they fed us, lent us their car and their beds, and a cousin suggested that I borrow her clothes if I saw anything I liked!

With the constant visiting, my in-laws are very laid back with what offer to guests, and my husband is the same way. I, on the other hand, feel pressured to nuture and feed like a good ragazza. This leads to my stressing out about quality/quantity/selection of food available when we entertain. We do agree on always having beer/wine/booze on hand to serve guests, though!

[afc]

you know, i have wondered how you handle the holidays with your four plus your families of origin. it's nice to see you briefly touch upon that.
i love to entertain, but not my husband's family. our backgrounds are very different (seemingly much like you & yours) and it makes for some very painful holidays.

[Sarah]

I find humor goes a long way to diffuse tense situations. It can be a stretch sometimes, especially when certain things take you off guard, but anything said with a smile--even "Sure, you can have it, if you don't mind something that's been sitting in the trash for half a week."--comes across a lot better. Spoonful of sugar and all that.