Manners

Linda is writing about manners today and it reminded me that I meant to post about etiquette too. I took the big kids to see The Water Horse and I would have really enjoyed it -- good animation, good accents, great scenery, and only one moment that seriously strained credulity -- except for a woman sitting behind us who talked all the way through the movie.

I hate when people talk during movies. For the first half of the movie I was reminding myself of reasons why she might be chatting away. Maybe she was developmentally disabled. Maybe she had a hearing loss and didn't realize how loud she was being. Maybe she was from another culture where it's not regarded as rude. But she just kept talking.

She was there with two kids, and I understand that sometimes you have to talk to your kids during a movie. I understand that it takes time for kids to learn to sit still and be quiet for two hours in the dark -- I know all about that. But the kids were much quieter than she was. And it wasn't explanation aimed at them; it was just narration. "Oh, look, it's the boy." "There he is again." Finally, an hour or so into the movie, I turned around and said, "SSSSHHHHHHHH!"

She kept talking.

I should have gone to get an usher, but I didn't want to. It seemed to me like I would be saying, "Hi, I'm a demanding customer who can't solve my own problems, so come and do it for me!" By the end of the movie, though, I was furious.

At some point it dawned on me that she and I were working from different definitions of appropriate behavior in a movie theater. So now I'm curious: does chattiness in a theater strike you as rude? Are there situations where it's acceptable?

Here's my other manners question: I'm wondering if I'm behind the curve on tipping etiquette. When I was growing up, there were no tip jars in ice cream shops. I used to work behind the counter in a little bakery, serving up sandwiches and coffee and cakes, and tips were a once-every-month-or-two kind of occurrence. But these days it seems like everybody's looking for a tip. I mean, if you get a job in an ice cream shop, you expect to scoop up ice cream, right? Isn't that pretty much your job description? But yesterday I took the kids for ice cream, paid by credit card, and saw disappointment register on the face behind the counter when I didn't add a tip.

I am never sure what to do in a coffeehouse either. The one I frequent on campus was reputed, when I was in grad school the first time, to pay its employees a living wage. I make a point of tipping waitresses and cabbies well, but what about a barista? Is it different if I order a Giant Half-Decaf Hazelnut Chipotle White Mocha With A Shot of Worcestershire Sauce versus a plain old cup of joe?

Tell me what you think, please.

Comments

[Maria]

Yes, talking in a movie theatre, or an actual theatre or a planetarium is rude. I took my daughter to the planetarium last weekend, to see the "Mr. Rogers explains the night sky" presentation (or whatever it was called). Clearly meant for young kids. Show time was at 1pm. And indeed the audience was full of families with preschoolers in tow.

The problem was not any of the kids, though. The problem was the parents seated directly behind my daughter and I. They were giggling and talking during the show - and not only that, they were making snide, derisive comments about it! I finally turned around and glared at them about halfway through, and they did subside. It was highly irritating - if you think Mr. Rogers is stupid and dorky, don't go, but don't wreck it for 4 year olds!

Tipping… the truth is they probably all deserve it. I don't think ice cream scoopers or baristas or anyone in the service industry makes a living wage. However I don't feel I can be responsible for all of them, so I randomly put my change in the tip jar sometimes and not others.

[Sarah]

I agree that talking in the movie theatre is rude. That's one reason I don't go--I can't keep my mouth shut that long! All kidding aside, it's one thing to whisper something to your kids, another to sit there narrating the whole thing.

As to tipping, I am perplexed myself. I tip waitresses 15% for a normal meal, but 20% if we ask for anything special, or if the kids are messy. Anywhere else? Forget it. If I go to a coffee shop and they make me a sandwich, sure, but just to Starbucks? No. I don't ask for anything "special", so I don't usually tip. It's true that people who do "unskilled" jobs aren't paid a living wage. Complain to me about it when you work in childcare.

That sounds hard and cold, doesn't it? Must be January.

[Tracy]

talking in movie = rude.

I would get the usher if I had a patron near me who was talking incessantly. I paid money to watch and listen to a movie, not to woman who can't be quiet.

K and I were in a movie once where security was finally called and several teenagers were removed for talking. A lot of people who were sitting around these teenagers started clapping and cheering as they were escorted out, so we turned to see what was happening. guess they wouldn't stop even for the usher?

tipping seems to be everywhere now - and I dislike tip jars. If I am going to tip, I'll tip someone who took care of me personally, not an anonymous tip jar. Just my two cents. Though I tip a lot more than 2 cents...

[Lisa C.]

I just say no to tip jars. Those people are already paid a regular hourly wage, they don't need tips, too. I do tip at sit down restaurants, and for personal services, but that's about it.

[mary]

Talking in theaters is rude. We didn't come to hear someone else's running commentary.

Like Lisa, I Just Say No to tip jars. Like you said, CJ, they are being paid to make my sandwich or scoop my ice cream. That said, I do tip waiters/waitress, service people, etc.

[louise]

Talking at the movies is very very rude! Oy!

And I agree, with the previous posters, tip jars at Starbucks and the like, drive me wild!

[Meira]

I was raised that talking during a movie is rude, however I have heard that it's a cultural thing . . .

[Sarabeth]

Because of the parents narrating the movie I no longer go to kids' movies with my little ones. I send my much more patient and intimidating husband. He's not had problems with it.

Tip jars? Ugh. Hate them, like many others here. Know where I leave the biggest tip? After a pedicure. Bless those people.

[pnuts mama]

i always feel self conscious at movies (when we go, once a year it seems like now) because i tend to laugh loudly at things that other patrons don't seem to find amusing. or we'll be eating popcorn and if it's silent you can hear us crunching and i feel guilty over the noise. yeesh.

example- we saw juno over the holidays and there was a line about early pregnancy being mistaken for a "foodbaby"- which is what we always called the pnut and are now calling the bean (or fat baby or gas baby) because honestly, you don't look pregnant, you just look like you've eaten thanksgiving dinner. anyway. my husband and i broke out laughing yet no one around us (not a packed theater) was laughing so immediately i felt dumb and embarrassed. granted, i doubt the majority of the people at the movie were parents (teens and young adults), but still, i felt like the jerk laughing by myself, like *i* was the one being rude.

i have no qualms about giving someone a look or a "dude." at a movie theater or any other public place, especially of someone is acting inappropriately in front of my kid.

i don't tip people (kids) who make minimum wage+, just folks i know who are being paid less than that and rely on tips to make up the difference. i *do* tip people who do services- like a tradesman, delivery guys, etc., since my husband is a tradesman and doesn't own his own company and we rely on those tips as a thank you for his hard work. scooping ice cream? not so much.