In the land of mortars where the chromosome's Y

(That was supposed to be a riff on the "one ring to rule them all" poem but maybe it's mutilated beyond recognition.)

Back in early December my friend Jenny said, "So what are you doing about Christmas shopping?" and I said, "Really, I'm letting Elwood do it. We have these mystery packages arriving and I don't know what's in them but he's great at giving gifts."

And he is great at giving gifts but for some reason this year he went with the theme of "Our Heritage: The Second Amendment" and now I am surrounded by guns. Guns! As guns go, they are pretty harmless: one giant water gun, one Nerf dart gun, two guns that shoot Nerf balls to great whooping battery-powered fanfare, and a set of laser tag guns with matching goggles.

Normally such a list of presents would cause me to say, "Shoot me now." I am not saying it this time, because someone will do it. "Nerf ball, Nerf dart, or would you prefer the cold-water dousing? Happy to oblige!"

The boys are thrilled. I wasn't really overwhelmed until the book arrived: Backyard Ballistics. Because there are not enough projectiles in my little house, I guess. "The problem," my husband explained to his firstborn, "is that this project [a potato cannon, I believe, because just eating potatoes is so predictable] is made to shoot for, like, the length of a football field. So we can't really fire it off in the basement."

I'll say we can't. But raise your hand if you'd be surprised to catch them trying. Cleaning tips for removing exploded potato from the wall would be welcome.

Tea party, anyone? You bring the teddy bears. Ours will be in the stuffed animal hospital -- target practice takes a toll.

Comments

[mary]

Heh. Potato guns are a staple of physics classes. They shoot eggs out of PVC pipes here, too, for physics field day. Just look at it as them learning science.

[Summer]

It could be worse. We now own several miniature cannons, because that's what every four year old boy needs, a black powder ballistic weapon!

(Actually, I think it's fun to make things go boom. I prefer just setting things on fire, but booms are nice too.)

(And I thought I wasn't suited to be the mother of a boy. Ha!)

[Maria]

My mother used to tell a story of sleeping on the bottom bunk with her brother on top and being pelted by a potato gun while she slept. Yuck!

[Tracy]

we didn't get guns and more guns. Except for K, who got a new Nerf weapon of mass destruction. And he gave every child (ours and nieces and nephews) over the age of 4 a new small Nerf weapon (along with their gift certificates). Because he said everyone should get an actual present. Then he organized a game called Assassin. Yes, we had a family gathering of sweetness and light and wondering who had your name and was going to shoot you.

And they loved it.

He wasn't in charge of purchases this year. And I do have another person of the same gender in my house... though she was also playing the game.

[Lisa C.]

"Our Heritage:The Second Amendment" Oh man, that is priceless.

[Jody]

I knew what you were quoting the minute I read the first five words. It's pretty unmistakable.

Good luck dodging ballistics. I've got nothing to offer when it comes to the potato question.

[Salome Ellen]

I am laughing so hard I can't see to type. Just be glad that the advent of the LED has reduced the probability of you ever facing a "carbide cannon"! (Cavers no longer use carbide lamps, so the stuff is way less avaiable.) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbide_Cannon

[Joseph]

Ah, memories of fraternity days when we fired potato cannons at the house across the street. Potato guns are the projectile equivalent of gateway drugs. We moved from there to running across the street with a ladder in an attempt to pull down their Greek letters. This quickly descended into chaos. So... don't let them take the cannon to college.

[Stephen]

If they fire the potato out the basement window you won't have to clean any of it up. Most of the glass will even go out into the yard.

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